Everyday
by OMGitsOTH
Summary: As a child, Haley James finds comfort in her best friend Nathan and her sister Taylor. But when Taylor and Nathan start dating, Haley begins to push them away without reasoning. What happens when she grows aware of more than platonic feelings for Nathan?
1. What Used To Be Easy, But Became Awkward

This is my first time posting here but I've posted it at other places too so if you recognize it that is probably why. Reviews are greatly appreciated but I know how busy life can be, if you don't have the time…you don't have the time. Just know that it helps me write better! Haha.

Z

**One.**

_What Used To Be Easy, But Became Awkward._

Taylor James.

Beautiful, sexy and just when you think you can judge her for being all about her looks, she gets all down to earth on you and it's hard to hate her. At first glance, Taylor is someone who appears to be too beautiful for her own good, flaunting it in any way she possibly can, but when you talk to her, you know better. Because yes, she's thin with perfectly straight blonde hair and perfectly tanned skin but that doesn't take away from the person that she is; it doesn't take away from the kindness of her heart. Her only flaw is that she is a bit of a trouble maker. She likes to do things out of the ordinary that would drive any parent crazy and sometimes she can get pretty out of control. But despite all that, she's kind and the sister that I hate to love.

Nathan Scott.

He's got that charm about him, the charm that could coax his way into any girl's pants, satisfy her every need but still manage to convince her that one night was all they needed. And sometimes it's sick, _usually_ it's sick, but then you see the pain in his eyes, or I do anyway, and you realize that it's somehow his way of coping with his screwed up life. He's got a beautiful heart when he lets his guard down and he has this way about him that makes a girl feel special instantaneously. He's intense, mysterious…and never, ever boring.

And then there's me, Haley James.

Taylor's sister, Nathan's best friend…whatever title you wish to label me. It usually doesn't involve my name at all because everyone knows me as anything but. I don't know how to describe myself; honestly I don't think you would want me to try. Taylor says I'm thoughtful, Nathan says I'm innocent…I don't think that I'm either of those things. But they seem to think that they know me pretty well. They probably know me the best but to be honest, that's nowhere near.

I find this incredibly discomforting.

Taylor is my older sister by a year, a senior in high school. And Nathan is the same…only having a few months on her. Since Taylor and I were so close in age, we always got along pretty well. Of course, we had our share of fights but it never overshadowed the good. She met Nathan when she was ten and naturally I became friends with him just because she was.

But Taylor never understood Nathan like I did, or that's what I kept telling myself. I realized later in life that she just wasn't willing to put up with his bullshit like I was. I let him walk all over me most of my life but Taylor would call him out when he was wrong. She had absolutely no problem with it whatsoever.

But then they started dating.

It was sometime at the end of their junior year and my sophomore year. We were sort of a threesome since elementary school but then Nathan supposedly confessed his love for her and they decided to take their relationship to the next level. I had always known that Nathan sort of had a crush on Taylor but I always used to pretend that I was just imagining it and pray to God that Nathan got over it in time.

Because Taylor and Nathan were surely going to be a disaster.

But I couldn't deny that night when Taylor came squealing into my room as she got home, telling me every detail about their perfect night together, that she was happy. And I tried to be happy for her; tried to support the two of them, but I knew that this was going to change things.

And it did as expected.

Towards the end of my sophomore year, I began to push the two of them away. I made new friends, friends in my grade. Because at the beginning Nathan and Taylor were always making out or exchanging annoying flirty banter and it got to the point where it took everything inside me not to gag. So slowly but surely, I stopped depending on the two of them.

Something I should have done a long time ago.

Brooke Davis is someone that is the total opposite of me. How I became friends with her I will never be able to tell you because we couldn't possibly be more different. But she's a lot like Taylor in the sense that behind her slutty, for lack of a better word, clothing and behavior, she has this amazing heart. She listened to me vent about how my best friends cared more about their newly found relationship than me and I cried on her shoulder on more than one occasion.

She made me dismiss stereotypes.

Peyton Sawyer is this amazing artist. I had always sort of been friendly with her before we actually became good friends but it wasn't until we sat down and had a real conversation that I realized how truly special this girl is. She's kind of moody but I am too and I've figured out when to push and when to back off. She's dealt with a lot and she's the strongest person I know.

Which is I why I envy her.

And then there's sweet old Lucas Roe. He's in Nathan's grade and I had met him at a couple of parties that I had been dragged to but we never really talked. I always thought he was kind of cute but I had been way to shy to say anything. Anyway, one day we collided and he sent my books flying everywhere. It was humiliating to say the least, but he seemed to find amusement in my fluster. I still think he's cute, drop dead gorgeous actually and we've become great friends…but I think Brooke likes him, so I backed off romantically immediately.

It's really not that big of a deal.

Both Taylor and Nathan kept trying to get me to hang out with them but I always had some lame excuse and when they found out that I had made a totally new set of friends, I could tell that they were a little hurt. But it couldn't stop me from pulling away from them. I just felt second best all the time and I wasn't willing to feel that way to them.

Three is definitely not company.

I still talk to them. Nathan will be driving Taylor and me to school everyday and of course he sleeps over when our parents are out of town but we haven't hung out just the three of us in a really long time. Taylor's my sister, so of course we talk all the time but Nathan and I haven't really shared a moment alone since the two of them started going out.

I hate to admit that I miss him.

It's barely seven in the morning when I hear my alarm clock. But the alarm clock is quickly overpowered by the cell phone that I had apparently left on my side table the night before. I pull the pillow over my head and hope that it will stop but it doesn't, so I groan and pull it to my ear, growling into the phone.

It's Brooke.

"I'm driving you to school today."

I yawn and reach over to turn off the alarm clock. "You don't have your license, Brooke. Remember, you failed the last three times you took the test? With good reason, too. You're worse than Pey." I pull myself out of bed and head to the bathroom that conjoins my room with my sister's.

"Well I guess the instructor thought I was cute because I passed, chica!" She exclaims into the phone and I pull it away from my ear for a second, still trying to adjust to the morning.

"You didn't tell me you were taking the test again, Brooke." I say, pulling out my toothbrush and toothpaste from the cabinet and beginning to brush my teeth.

"I didn't want to jinx it…" she says "…anyway, I passed and I'm coming to pick you up at seven thirty, got it?" I can hear her excited clapping on the other end and I roll my eyes to myself in the mirror, laughing lightly.

I spit out the remaining toothpaste in my mouth. "Sounds like a plan. Then I can avoid the married couple…" I sigh, my voice lowering to a whisper because Taylor is in the next room.

"Is that what you're calling them these days?" She laughs. "Sounds appropriate."

I sigh in response.

"Okay, well…be ready when I get there. And look hot for school, okay? When we get out of my brand new beamer, heads are going to roll."

I drop my toothbrush into the sink and look at myself in the mirror. "Beamer? You've got to be kidding me, Brooke. Your parents got you a beamer?"

She laughs. "See you at seven thirty."

When I hang up the phone, I place it next to the sink and pull out my case of makeup, applying a little bit of make up but not too much. I've never been the kind of girl who reinvents her face at six thirty in the morning.

I'm so not high maintenance.

"Hey."

I turn around to find Nathan having just walked in it. His lack of a shirt causes me to avert my eyes back over to the mirror but I can still see him so I look down and fidget with the zipper to my make up case. I don't want to think about him sharing a bed with my sister. "Hey. I didn't know you stayed here last night."

I hear him laugh lightly, but I know immediately that it's more of a bitter laugh than a real one. "My parents were fighting again. I snuck out the window."

I look over briefly and give him a tight smile. "I'm sorry." I hate that it's gotten this awkward between us. Conversation used to flow so easily with him but now it's a struggle to find the words to say.

He nods and moves in closer behind me, concentrating on his disheveled dark hair in the mirror as he runs his fingers through it. "Was that Brooke you were talking to?"

I clear my throat and look back at my own reflection. "Yeah, she's going to give me a ride to school this morning so you don't have to worry about it."

He takes his eyes off himself and looks at me through the mirror, visibly frowning. "I don't mind, you know. We barely hang out anymore so it gives me a chance to spend time with you."

"And Taylor…" I remind him but instantly regret it when I see the confusion in his eyes. "I'm sorry," I say, shaking my head and closing the zipper to my make up bag. "I'm going to go finish getting ready…" He just stares after me and I know without him having to say anything that he doesn't understand what's going on with me, or between us.

I close the door behind me and leave my hand on the doorknob for a second, exhaling. I hadn't realized I had been holding my breath the entire time. Hanging out with Nathan used to be fun…easy. It used to be effortless but now it was awkward and hard to even look at him.

It makes me sad.

I get dressed and head downstairs to grab something to eat before Taylor and Nathan can come down. Unfortunately, they come down only minutes later and I am forced to eat with them.

"Hey, little sis…" Taylor smiles, hugging me from behind "…we missed you last night. We always used to hang out the night before school started but you were M.I.A. as of four in the afternoon. What time did you get home, anyway?"

I shrug and I don't mean for my voice to sound cold, but it does. "I don't know, late."

She nods, studying me with a puzzled expression. "Okay…we just missed you. That's all."

I give her a tight smile and pull some orange juice out of the refrigerator, pouring some into a glass and sitting down at the table. Nathan smiles at me when I sit down across from him but I look down at my plate and begin to eat.

There is a honk from outside.

"That's my ride," I announce, barely having touched my breakfast. "I'll see you guys at school." I say, hugging Taylor goodbye and nodding in Nathan's direction.

Taylor gives me a quizzical glance. "I thought we were driving you to school."

I shake my head. "Change of plans."

She furrows her brow and puts her hands on her hips, looking briefly at Nathan and then back at me again. I know what's about to come out so I close my eyes. "Are you avoiding me, Haley?"

I pivot back around and clear my throat. "Not at all. Brooke just offered to give me a ride. Besides, I figure this way to two can be alone together."

"We can be alone whenever we want, Haley." Taylor says. "We want to hang out with you."

I look over at Nathan who is staring at me carefully and then back to Taylor. "I have to go, Tay," I say as sweetly as possible. "I'll see you at school."

When I get in the car, I try my best to squeal with Brooke but it proves to be difficult as the frown keeps tugging at my lips. "What's wrong, princess?" She asks. And it surprises me that after only three months, this girl knows me pretty damn well

I sigh. "I don't even know anymore."

I remember when I used to rule the school with Nathan and Taylor; when everyone used to envy the fact that the two of them had taken me under their wing. No one understood how Nathan could be so cold to everyone else, but be so nice and protective of some inadequate girl who was a year younger than him. Of course, there was Taylor…but pretty much everyone bowed down to her anyway so it was no surprise that Nathan did the same.

They just couldn't rap their heads around _my_ relationship with him.

But now, as they start their senior year, I'm nowhere near them. I don't even exit the car with them and walk down the hallways, confident that my sister and best friend have my back. Instead, I watch as heads roll at their entrance, wondering how a couple could be so perfect.

But the two of them are far from perfect and I know it.

I hear them fighting all the time about nothing. Taylor always does something to annoy Nathan and when he pulls back into his shell, she lashes out. I always knew not to push it when he did stuff like that but Taylor doesn't have that kind of patience. They never pulled this kind of stuff as friends, but of course they never had make up sex as friends either I suppose.

They're good together, but only half of the time.

"How are you dealing?" I hear from behind me and I only pry my eyes off the happy couple for a second to greet her. "I know this is hard for you."

I give Peyton a thankful smile and clutch the strap to my shoulder bag tighter. "It's weird," I admit, looking back at Nathan and Taylor. Nathan catches my glance and gives me a concerned look but I avert my eyes immediately and look directly at Peyton. "But it's a new year…and I'm happy to share it with you and Brooke." I force a funny smile. "Speaking of our third angel, where is Natalie?"

Peyton mocks hurt. "How come she gets to be Natalie? I'm the blonde one! Besides…I look like Cameron Diaz, right?" She strikes a ridiculous pose.

I pretend to be apprehensive. "Um…no. Besides, you should be happy…Natalie is the ditzy one, remember?"

"Uh oh. You better hope Brooke doesn't find out you called her ditzy." Peyton warns, a smile tugging at her lips.

"I am ditzy," says a familiar voice and we turn around to find a smiling Brooke with a raised eyebrow. She links arms with the two of us and drags us down the hallway. "It's a good thing I'm pretty, right?"

Peyton and I crack up.

I avoid Taylor and Nathan and school for the rest of the day and it's actually harder than I thought it would be. But since Brooke had double free at the end of the day and Peyton's car was in the shop, I had to go home with the happy couple and I had been dreading it since the moment I found out.

"Where's Taylor?" I ask, approaching him awkwardly. It's easier to be around Nathan when Taylor is there because then I can focus on her. I used to crave my alone time with him but it somehow turned into a burden sometime in the last few months.

"She has some meeting with the principle or something," he says. "She's gonna take the late bus home later." He cracks a smile. "Just us, then."

I smile sheepishly. "I think I'll wait for her, then. Go ahead without me." Being with Nathan and Taylor is hard enough, being alone with him is not something I can handle. I turn to walk away. "See you later."

"No, Haley. Wait…" he calls out before running towards me and placing his hand on my shoulder. "Please stop doing this."

"Doing what?" I say tiredly, turning around and placing my hands in the pockets of my sweatshirt.

"This. You can't even look at me. Will you just talk to me?" He says pleadingly. I know that tone of voice. It's the tone of voice that made me drop everything to let him vent to me about his dad and the same tone of voice that got me to ditch my date so he had a place to crash. He always came to me, never Taylor, because he knew that I would drop everything for him.

But I am done living that life.

"I'm sorry, Nathan…" I sigh, giving him a sad smile before averting my eyes "…you just don't understand."

"Make me understand!" He pleads with real desperation in his voice. "Come on, we could always read each other…but you've been a closed book ever since Taylor and I started dating." He pauses. "I miss you." He sticks his hands in his pockets but moves closer so that our faces are only inches apart. "Don't you miss me?"

"Of course I miss you. I just…I want to be my own person and I'll always have to live in you and Taylor's shadow if I don't find a life without you." I guess that's part of the reason so I'm not exactly lying. But it's a half truth, and I know it.

"So you can't even hang out with me?" He says, his stare becoming more intense by the second. "What about what I want, Haley?"

"I'm sorry," I whisper and then turn to walk away.

He stops me again but this time his voice is cold. "Fine, you don't have to hang out with me but I'm taking you home. Your sister would kill me if she knew I let you walk." He starts to walk away, expecting me to follow.

I don't.

He turns around when he realizes this and makes his way toward me. "Come on, Haley," he says tiredly.

"I'm not a baby, Nathan." I say through gritted teeth, still making no attempt to move toward him.

"I never said so," he counters and I roll my eyes in response.

"Oh, like you haven't implied I was for my entire life…" I scoff, my voice now considerably louder. There is no way I'm letting him get away with it anymore. "…always protecting me like I was your goddamn little sister or something. I can take care of myself, Nathan."

"What are you talking about?" He asks, genuinely confused and I don't know why I expected otherwise.

"Forget it," I growl, pushing past him and making my way to his car. He's not going to let it go so it's easier to just give in.

He stands stunned in the parking lot before finally sighing and getting into the driver's seat. I turn to look out the window and ignore him for a good five minutes.

My cell phone rings.

"Hello?" I answer, glancing over at Nathan quickly as I pull the phone to my ear.

"Hey beautiful."

I laugh. "Hey Lucas." I look over at Nathan and he takes his eyes off the road for a second to look back. "What's up?"

"Nothing, I'm just calling to see if you want to hang out tonight." He says and I crack a smile.

"Of course. Mom doesn't get home until Wednesday so I'm all in the clear."

"What about daddy dearest?"

"Who knows?" I sigh. "France, probably. Anyway, I so need to get out of my house tonight. Thank God you called."

"Of course. Do you wanna hang out at my house? My parents are gone until eleven."

"That sounds suggestive." I laugh, glancing at Nathan who remains focused on the road. "Pick me up at six."

I hang up and Nathan glances over. "You and Lucas are pretty tight." He turns onto my street sharply. "That's cool." I grab the dashboard and blow the hair out of my face.

I take a deep breath and shrug. "He makes me smile."

"I used to be able to do the same," he says, smiling sadly. "Remember? Taylor always found my various voices obnoxious. But you never smiled more."

"I remember," I whisper.

When we reach the driveway, I step out and don't bother to wait for him. He always knows what to say to shake me up. He's always known, ever since I was a little girl. And that, I suppose, is why he had so much hold over me. Because he knows me, he knows how to tweak me.

"I'm gonna go," Nathan says, standing on the porch behind me. "I mean, you don't seem like you want me anywhere near you."

I sigh. "If you want to stay, then stay."

He steps closer. "But you won't talk to me."

I close my eyes, but he can't see because he's behind me. "I'm talking to you now."

"Whatever," he sighs, stepping off the porch. "I feel like I'm talking to a wall, Haley."

"That's your prerogative."

He laughs bitterly. "This is going nowhere. I'm gonna go."

I don't do anything to stop him.

If you were to ask why I'm pushing Nathan away, I wouldn't have an answer. Not a real one anyway. Because though I say it's because of Taylor, I know that's only an easy way out.

There's so much more to it.


	2. New Times and Old Times

**Two.**

_New Times and Old Times_

Taylor and Nathan are at it again.

I left Lucas' house at around ten thirty or so but when I reach my house, I immediately regret my decision to make an early appearance. As Lucas and I watched whatever action movie he had picked out, I started to think about Taylor. I started to think about how much I really did miss her. We used to be inseparable when we were little; everyone always thought we were twins. Maybe I could talk to her; tell her that I felt like a third wheel. But the fighting from inside the house indicates that there will be no talking anytime soon.

Simply yelling.

I sit on the porch swing outside and tuck my knees into me. There's always something with those two. They used to be so good together as friends, but the whole dating disaster had ruined them. Nathan was always doing something wrong and Taylor was always crying or yelling at him. And then when Taylor did something wrong, Nathan would lash out and then shut down. They've become this viscous cycle despite the fact that everyone around them thinks they're perfect.

With the exception of me, of course.

"You're being ridiculous, Nathan!" Taylor cries. "You were the one who forgot to pick me up. Ben was there, he offered me a ride. I didn't want to f ucking walk for Christ's sake." I can hear her moving around and I suspect that she's probably cleaning up the house. Whenever she's angry or upset, she cleans. "I know you don't like him, but you have to get over it, okay? We're friends!"

"Ben wants one thing and one thing only." Nathan says and I assume that like always he's following along after her, messing up everything she's already cleaned and trying his best to make her understand him. She never does. "I know guys like him."

"You mean guys like you!" She screams, her voice getting clearer as they come closer. I smile to myself, loving my sister for being so on point. One thing is for sure, she can hold her own in an argument, especially with Nathan. He's the only one she really fights with anyway, besides my parents. "Could you just grow up, Nathan? Guys and girls can be friends. We used to be friends, remember? When everything was so less f ucking complicated?"

Nathan scoffs. "Taylor. We are a perfect example of why girls and guys can't be _just _friends."

"So then you and Haley can't be friends?" Taylor says pointedly and I close my eyes at the mention of my name. It's so like them to somehow drag me into the argument.

"Obviously not," he snaps angrily and then stomps off out of ear shot. I don't know exactly what he means by it, but I try not to overanalyze like usual. Unfortunately, I don't get to see Taylor's reaction to his sudden outburst.

I find this to be the best time to make my appearance because I know that Taylor will be alone and it's easier to deal with her anyway. When I enter the kitchen, she's still cleaning which I don't find to be surprising at all. She glances up at me briefly but then looks back down at the rag in her hand and continues to wipe off the counters. "Hey," she says tiredly.

I bite my lip and look around awkwardly. "Everything okay?"

She stops wiping off the counters and looks at me strangely, not answering my question. "I looked for you at lunch…" she says "…Nathan and I went off campus and we thought you might want to come along." She looks back down. "You were nowhere to be found."

I stare back at her for a moment. "I was with Brooke and Peyton," I say quietly before heading over to the refrigerator and pouring myself a glass of lemonade. I gulp it down and then put it down on the table, causing the clink of the glass to fill the dead silent room.

"Tomorrow then," she tries. I hear the rag hit the counter again to indicate that she's gone back to work. "We'll meet you out front at around twelve thirty. Sound cool?"

I turn back around and use my palms to lean up against counter. I know that lunch with Nathan and Taylor is something that I need to avoid at all costs. The less time with them together, the better. "Actually…I promised Brooke that I'd go out to lunch with her." I smile tightly. "She's all excited about her new car."

She looks up and nods, studying me carefully. "Are you lying to me?"

"No," I say defensively, averting my eyes and letting them wander around the kitchen.

She doesn't buy it. "You're fiddling with your hands…" she says, her gaze still focused on me "…you fiddle with your hands when you're lying."

I spread my palms out wide and study them in front of my face. "I'm not lying, Tay. I promised Brooke, okay? I hate ditching people, you know that." I take another sip of my glass.

"You're ditching _me_," she says and I know immediately that she's not completely over her fight with Nathan because Taylor doesn't get like this with me. She's angry and I'm in the line of fire. "But you don't seem to mind all that much."

"Tay," I warn hopelessly.

She sighs and closes her eyes. "I'm sorry, Haley." She shakes her head. "Nathan and I just got into a fight…I shouldn't be taking this out on you. Look, we just miss you is all. It used to be the three of us against the world and now you've just fallen off the face of the earth or something." She gives me a sad smile. "You're never around."

"I know," I say with an equally hopeless smile as I move closer and put my hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry. Look, you and me…we're going to go shopping this weekend, okay? Just the two of us." That way, I can fix my relationship with Taylor but still avoid the big bad Nathan issue.

It's easier to pretend like things aren't there, right?

She smiles. "That sounds fun."

"It will be," I promise.

She goes back to wiping down the already clean counters and I decide to let her be, wandering toward the living room where I hope to catch the last ten minutes of one of my favorite shows. It's obvious; however, when I reach the living room that this won't be happening for it is already occupied.

Nathan.

I watch the back of his head and listen to the explosive sounds coming from the television as he presses various amounts of buttons. I know that I should apologize, but I don't really know how to without him getting the idea that we're cool again. I feel bad for being a bitch earlier, but it doesn't change the fact that being around him is harder than it used to be. "I didn't know we had Playstation," I say and he shows no signs of flinching or anything. He obviously knew I was there before I made my presence known.

"I brought mine over," he says nonchalantly and I can just imagine Taylor screaming at him for doing this earlier in the day. He continues to simply ignore me. Finally deciding I can't take it anymore, I move around the couch and sit next to him, leaving a considerable distance between the two of us.

"Taylor must not have been too happy about that," I try to joke but it comes out phony and insincere, causing me to roll my eyes at myself and clear my throat nervously. I hate being nervous around Nathan, especially because he knows, or _knew,_ me better than anyone and he knows my emotions pretty well.

"Is there something you want, Haley?" He asks, still refusing to take his eyes off the TV set. He's not being cold exactly, but there's something about nonchalance that can be icy at times. I can tell he's tired.

I look around sheepishly and then finally my eyes land on him. Luckily he doesn't look up so I don't have to avert my eyes. "Not really…" I pause and take a deep breath, glancing over at the TV as I talk "…I just wanted to apologize."

He pauses the game finally and looks at me, forcing me to do the same. "For what?"

I gulp. "Earlier. I was being a bitch and I'm sorry. It's just…" I stop myself, unable to let the rest of what I want to say leave my lips "…Listen, I was out of line. I've just had a…bad…week and, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. I'm sorry." My voice is soft; vulnerable.

"It's been more than a bad week, Haley…" he says accusingly and I nod mutely. I don't know if he means that there is more to my strange mood than just a bad week or if he means that it's been longer.

Either way, I know he's right.

"I'm sorry," I say again.

When he just stares at me blankly, I look away, unable to take the bitterness in his eyes. I've seen him look at people like that, but never at me. "Whatever," I say in annoyed tone, rolling my eyes and beginning to get up off the couch. Maybe its better that he doesn't accept my apology, maybe then he'll disappear from my life all together.

But is that really what I want?

He doesn't give me the chance to leave though, because the second I sit up I feel his arms circle around my waist as he stands up as well, pulling me back towards him. "Wait, Haley…" he says softly. I close my eyes and sigh, unable to dismiss the butterflies in my stomach as he touches me.

We hadn't been this close physically in a while.

I turn around to face him reluctantly. "What?" I choke out. I try to look down but my eyes meet his chest and I feel awkward so I look back up.

He smiles. "Of course I forgive you." He puts his thumb and pointer finger on my chin and winks softly. "If anything, I'm the one that is sorry. I don't know what it is I did to make you act that way. You never used to talk to me like that."

I nod as he lets me out of his grasp. "I'm sorry," I say again. "Things are just different now. With you and Taylor." He furrows his brow and I realize I've said too much. "Look, I have to go finish my homework. I'll see you in the morning."

He nods reluctantly and drops his hand from my waist as I hurry out of the room.

"So, you hung out with Lucas at his house?" Brooke asks and I find it oddly amusing that she's trying to be so subtle about this. Brooke has had a crush on Lucas ever since I met her. In fact, I didn't need to be friends with her to know this. I saw her drooling over him in Math one day before the two of us had even established any kind of friendship.

Brooke would kill me if I told her that she was drooling though.

"It was no big deal, Brooke. We're just friends…you know this." I feel a smile tugging at my lips because I know how in denial she is that she has any sort of feelings for him. "But what? Are you jealous?" I say in mock exasperation. I try not to laugh as she gasps dramatically.

"Of course not," she says defensively. "I was just wondering."

I roll my eyes, not being able to stand her denial anymore. "Just admit that you like him, Brooke. I know it…Peyton knows it…he knows it…" I trail off, waiting for her to blow a gasket.

"He knows it?" She exclaims. "Haley, I swear to God if you told him, I am going to kill you with my bare hands with out a second of hesitation!" Brooke is really entertaining when she's desperate.

I laugh out loud and fall onto my bed. I had been ready to go to sleep when Brooke called after finding out from Peyton about my whereabouts this evening. "I'm kidding, Brooke. He has no idea. He's completely clueless, I promise." I sigh. "But if you wish to keep it that way, I suggest you keep the drooling to a minimum." I close my eyes, waiting for her to explode.

"I do not drool!" She yells and I have to pull the phone away from my ear to keep my hearing in tact. "I swear I'm going to kill you, Haley. I _do not_ drool." She says again. I told you she would kill me if I told her that, of course, I'll have to wait until tomorrow morning since we're on the phone.

"Okay…" I say insincerely and I'm getting way too much amusement out of this entire conversation.

Unfortunately, she takes it upon herself to ruin the mood; for me at least. "So did you ride home with Taylor and Nathan today?" I can just see the evil smile curling up her lips as she does this to me. I guess I brought it upon myself though; I shouldn't have brought up the drooling.

I groan. "Just Nathan."

"Did you guys make out?" She asks and I roll my eyes.

"He's my sister's boyfriend, Brooke," I say firmly. "We did not make out. You have to get over this sick fantasy that one day I'm going to steal him from Taylor. I have no feelings for Nathan, whatsoever." I lower my voice to say this, in fear that Taylor and Nathan are in the other room listening. Our walls are paper thin, seriously. You can hear just about everything. Especially things you don't want to hear, i.e. Nathan and Taylor having sex in her bed.

I've gotten accustomed to sleeping with my IPod on at night.

"Denial. Denial. Denial," she chirps happily and I can tell she loves every minute of this. If I didn't love Brooke like a sister, I would find this above and beyond annoying.

"Hypocrite," I throw back and she immediately stops laughing which causes me to laugh. "Got you there, didn't I?"

"I'm hanging up on you," she announces and the laughing that had stopped, starts up again. I can just see her pretty eyes turning into a glare. "I'm serious."

"Goodnight, Brooke…" I smile and I know that she can't help the smile that's forming on her lips either as she mumbles something about how much she hates me. It's of course, insincere because I know Brooke and I simply find it amusing. "Love you too."

That's what I love about my relationship with Brooke. We call each other on our bullshit and we can yell at each other but still ultimately have each other backs. We're honest with each other and I think that is the most important thing about friendship.

Honesty and trust.

I drop the phone down on the side table, out of its cradle and pull the cover over my head, turning off my lamp simultaneously. I close my eyes and turn on my side, ready to dream but my eyes open again abruptly when there is a light tapping on my door. It opens seconds later to reveal Nathan. I brush the hair out of my eyes and sit up. "What's up?" I ask, concerned. Nathan hasn't stepped foot into my room in the last three months and I have to say that it's more awkward than I had pictured it to be.

His eyes dart around the room and then land back on me. "Um…" he slides his hands into his pockets and looks down "…Taylor's still pissed and she told me to go home but…"

I nod before he can finish. He doesn't want to go home; he never wants to go home. Of course this is the worst punishment that she could give Nathan and she knows it. She must really be mad at him because she knows as well as me that Nathan's parents are his worst enemies.

I get up and move towards my closet, suddenly aware of the tiny shorts and tank top I had decided to wear to bed. I cross one arm over my chest and grab an extra blanket, handing it to him. He smiles gratefully and moves toward the left side of my bed that is closest to the bathroom, positioning himself on the floor. I climb over him and back into my bed, tossing him an extra one of my pillows.

"Just like old times," he says after a minute or two but it doesn't startle me because I am wide awake now, my eyes open and alert. "Except then you used to let me sleep on your bed with you." He laughs lightly but it's insincere and I know it.

"Well, in old times…you weren't dating my sister," I point out. And it's true, it used to be my room that he came to when his parents were fighting and he snuck out the window. My parents had grown accustomed to him staying over because they knew just as well as us how bad Deb and Dan Scott were when they went at it, throwing stuff everywhere and screaming so that the entire neighborhood could hear. And when they weren't fighting, they were cold and unforgiving.

Why they never got a divorce, no one knew.

But he would always slip into my room, not Taylor's and I would pull down the covers and let him slide in next to me. I had a fairly big bed so it wasn't a big deal. Besides, Taylor wasn't as understanding and though she loved Nathan, she just didn't get it like I did. But when they started dating, he would go to her room and they would of course, have sex to make him feel better.

I only know because I could hear it.

It just doesn't seem right to let him slip into bed with me like old times. One, because he is dating my sister and two, because I'm not sure exactly what my feelings for him are at the moment. So I settle for letting him sleep on the floor. At least it was better than his own bed, in his own home where World War III was going on.

"Yeah," he agrees finally after a long silence. "I guess so." He pauses for a minute or two. "Are we okay, Hales? You and me?" I can hear the desperation in his voice and it weakens me like always. "I mean…earlier when you said you didn't need me…" his voice trails off.

I exhale. "I didn't say that I didn't need you," I whisper, but loud enough for him to hear. "I just said that I can take care of myself. I'm not a little girl anymore."

He moves around on the floor a little bit before answering. "I know you're not," he sighs. "It's just that…sometimes, I wish that you were." I frown, unable to understand. "You always needed me when you were little. I was like, your protector or something. And I miss that." I can hear the smile in his voice now. "You used to always do the stupidest things…" he laughs "…and I was always there to catch you, you know? I miss that."

"Why?"

"Because it was like someone actually needed me. Like I had a purpose or something," he says.

I turn to my side. "Nathan…" I start but he ignores me and continues to talk.

"You were twelve or so…" he begins "…and it was my fourteenth birthday. Mom and Dad grounded me because they caught me trying to smoke a cigarette," he laughs. "Anyway, you and Taylor decided that I couldn't be grounded on my birthday so you guys decided you were going to sneak me out." The memory dawns on me as he continues to tell it. "Taylor made you climb up the tree and onto the balcony because she didn't want to get her new nails scratched up…" he laughs "…you were afraid of heights but you did as you were told." He laughs again. Taylor did always like to boss me around a bit. "I won't ever forget coming out onto the balcony and finding you dangling there, holding on for dear life. It was the funniest thing ever, but you were terrified." He pauses. "I pulled you up and you hugged me for a good five minutes…then refused to climb back down. Taylor ended up going home and you ended up staying in my room until my parents left and you could go through the front door."

I laugh. "It's the thought that counts, right?"

He sits up so that our eyes can meet. "You're my best friend, Hales. No one gets me like you do. No one cares like you do…" he gives me a sad smile "…or, _cared_."

"I do care about you," I protest firmly. "Of course I care about you, Nathan. It's just…" I trail off as he looks at me expectantly "…it's nothing."

He reaches out his hand to touch my cheek. "Tell me what it is, Haley. Tell me what I did to make us grow apart because I'll do anything I can to fix it." He looks so vulnerable, so different from the Nathan Scott that everyone sees around school and it prides me to know I'm the one that he shows this to but breaks my heart at the same time.

I close my eyes and I swear that I feel a tear run down my cheek. "You didn't do anything, Nathan." My breathing grows unsteady. "It's me."

He stares at me for a minute and then shakes his head, falling back onto his pillow. "Let me know when you're willing to be honest with me."

My heart breaks at his cold tone.


	3. Walking in Circles

**Three.**

_Walking in Circles_

It's hard not to love Taylor.

She's goofy in the way that makes you want to kill her because she can still be sexy at the same time. But I had forgotten how much the girl makes me smile since we hadn't really spent quality time together in the last three months or so. It's funny how three months can seem like a lifetime when it really isn't in reality. I really needed this time with Taylor, time to remind me how much I love her and how much I really do need her.

She completes me in a way.

And it sounds kind of stupid to say out loud, which is why I don't, but it is really how I feel. It's like, she holds me up, holds me together and without her, I would probably be a mess. And though lately, I've been feeling more independent, I know that I still need her. When I was little it used to be her that made me toughen up; it was her that told me that criticism and heartbreak only makes you stronger in the end.

She's always been a lot stronger than me.

I would always cry to her about everything; about the lack of time our parents spent with us, or the girls who were picking on me at school because I didn't have any friends in my own grade. But she didn't let me cry, she made me stand tall, made me suck it up. It sounds like a weird thing to appreciate since most people resent that kind of treatment, but I needed it.

I was kind of melodramatic as a kid; still am, actually.

"Is this too slutty?" She asks, pulling something off the rack that makes my eyes widen in surprise. I probably shouldn't be surprised, knowing Taylor the way I do, but she never ceases to amaze me I suppose.

"Definitely," I say with a disgusted face.

She nods and pulls it over her arm. "Okay, I'm going to go try it on." She sticks her tongue out at me when I roll my eyes and then grabs my arm to pull me toward the dressing room, grabbing a few things on her way and throwing them at me. "And you're trying this on…" she stops my protest before I can even start "…don't even pull that, Hay. You're trying it on. End of story." She nods politely at the saleswoman and we walk into the dressing room.

"Why you insist on making me your slutty twin is beyond me," I groan as I look at her through the mirror. I take off my shirt and throw it to the side, pulling on one of Taylor's picks. I raise an eyebrow at myself in the mirror and then look at Taylor who has already put on her slutty number.

"Oh God, Haley…take that off…you look like a cow," she says and I throw the other shirt in her face as she laughs hysterically, obviously amused by her own teasing. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding…" she laughs, rolling her eyes "…you look hot little sis. No joke. "I would totally do you, but I'm not into girls…"

I furrow my brow in disgust. "But you're into incest?"

She laughs and then checks herself out in the mirror, pulling at her cleavage and shaking a little in front of the mirror. I roll my eyes at the site. "What do you think? Hot enough?"

I roll my eyes. "If you want to look like a tramp…"

She looks at me through the mirror. "Perfect."

"What's up, Tay? You're attire has been sluttier than usual lately." I give her a concerned sister look and she rolls her eyes, knowing that I mean business. I only give her that look when I know something is up with her.

Nathan used to say that we both share that look.

She sighs. "I don't know…"

"Tay?" I pry and she sits down on the stool, leaning back against the wall to the dressing room.

"I guess I've just…" she pauses and looks down, obviously not really wanting to share this with me "…I've just been trying to get Nathan's attention."

I furrow my brow. "What are you talking about, Taylor? Nathan's totally interested in you. He's crazy about you and you and I both know it." I have no idea why she's been trying to get Nathan's attention. From what I could tell, she had all of Nathan's attention. After their fight on Monday night and Nathan's sudden appearance in my room, everything had been normal. They forgave each other as expected and I avoided them when they were together as usual.

I avoided Nathan at all costs, though. After our talk in my room, he had been acting weird and so I had done the same, feeling myself become even more awkward in his presence. Things weren't getting remotely better, in fact, they were getting worse.

But at least Taylor and I were okay.

Speaking of Taylor; she looks up at me and gives me a crooked smile that I find to be insincere. "I know that you probably don't want to hear about my sex life, especially since it's with Nathan who you've known since forever…but we haven't slept together in weeks and now, when he touches me…it feels…it just feels awkward, you know? Forced, even."

I fall onto my knees so that our eyes are more level, though now I'm looking up at her. "Have you talked to him at all? Maybe there is some explanation. You know, Nathan. He just gets weird sometimes."

She looks away and then nods. It's another second or two before she turns back around, desperation in her eyes. "Would you talk to him for me, Haleybop?" I cringe at the childhood nickname and then sigh.

"Tay, you know that I would do anything for you…but Nathan and I…we're not really on good terms right now." I push off her knees and stand up, straightening up the mess we'd made in the dressing room. "We're sorta growing apart."

She stands up too. "Come on, Haley. Please do this for me. I promise I will do anything for you if you just talk to him. You know him, better than I do and he'll open up to you. He doesn't talk to me like he talks to you."

"_Talked _to me…" I counter "…we don't talk anymore, Tay. We're not like we used to be, we haven't been for a long time now."

She looks at me with pleading eyes. "Haley, I will never ask you for anything again."

I want so badly to do this for her. I know she would do it for me. But I can't talk to Nathan, especially about Taylor and their sex life. It's just not something that I am capable of doing. It's not something that I think I'll ever be capable of doing. It's my sister and my best friend who lately, I'm starting to think I may have more than friendly feelings for.

_Wait, what?_

My eyes widen in surprise and I can tell Taylor notices but she dismisses it. Now I know that I can't do this, not after the breakthrough I just had. I like Nathan? As in the boy who I grew up with Nathan?

As in my sister's boyfriend, Nathan?

"I can't Taylor," I say, all seriousness in my voice but pleading with her to forgive me for this one. "I just can't, okay?"

She scoffs as she changes back into her clothes, obviously pissed at me but trying to calm herself down. "I would do it for you, Haley," she says and I can hear the venom in her voice which terrifies me to no end. "I would do anything for you." She bites her lip and narrows her eyes. "I ask you for one thing…one measly thing…and you can't even do it." She closes her eyes and I can swear I see a tear drop. "You're supposed to have my back."

She reaches for the doorknob and begins to leave, mumbling something about how she's going to buy this and then meet me in the car. I gulp but do as I'm told. The entire car ride home is dead silent; she won't talk to me at all. When we reach our house, she drops me off and then screeches down the driveway, out of sight.

I watch her drive away, sighing.

Its eleven thirty and Taylor is still not home. I call her cell phone but no one picks up. Nathan's not over either which is weird because he's always over so I assume that she must be out with him, maybe trying to figure everything out on her own. I try his cell phone; no answer. Finally I try his house, but again, there's no answer.

Then I really start to worry.

Thankfully, my mom is at a "friend's" house over night and she didn't take the car so I get to use that. Mom had come home on Wednesday night and had spent Thursday night home but I guess she got sick of us so she said she was going to be gone all of Friday night and would be back Saturday afternoon. I think she's having an affair because I saw the man who picked her up and they looked a little more than friendly if you ask me.

Anyway, I use her car to drive to Nathan's house.

Nathan answers the door; yawning and I wonder why he's not out on a Friday night. "What are you doing here?" He asks, clearly surprised.

I look around. "I'm looking for Taylor. She's here, right?"

He frowns. "No. She's not. I thought you guys were hanging out all day and then going out tonight? What happened?"

I close my eyes. "We got in a fight and she bailed on me. I probably deserved it."

Thank God he doesn't ask what the fight was about because I'm a terrible liar and there is no way I'm going to admit to him that we were fighting about him. He just looks at me quizzically. "So then, she's not with you?"

I shake my head. "Sh!t." I pull the palm of my hand to my forehead but then jerk it away abruptly when my cell phone vibrates in my pocket. I look up at Nathan briefly as he stares at me blankly, and then look down at the cell phone in my hand.

_Taylor_

I immediately pull it to my ear and turn sideways so that I'm not looking directly at Nathan and I don't have to watch as he studies me. "Tay? Is that you?"

There are a series of loud screams in the background, but it's obvious that they are screams of joy. I can't hear exactly what music is playing, but I can feel the base vibrate against my ear as Taylor slurs into the phone. "Haleybop." She's obviously not mad anymore, but my bet is she can't even remember her own name, much less the fact that we got into a fight this afternoon.

"Tay, where are you?" I ask loudly. "I'm coming to get you."

"You're so uptight," she giggles into the phone and I sigh loudly, turning to Nathan and giving him an eye roll at Taylor's antics. "You should come hang out with me! There are plenty of fine male specimens…and I can only look, but _you, _my dear sister can _touch!_" She announces, giggling again.

I decide to play along. "Okay, Taylor. Where are you? I'll come." If I tell her I'm coming to get her, she'll just throw a fit but if she thinks I'm coming to hang out with her, she'll tell me. It took me a couple times of Taylor's drunkenness to clue me in, but finally, I know how to handle her.

"I don't know," she says and I can hear the pouting in her voice. "Let's see if this guy knows," she slurs. She pulls the phone a little away from her and yells out to someone, naturally getting distracted as she starts giggling drunkenly. Seconds later, I hear her voice again, though the music is still drowning it out. "Yeah, I dunno…" she says finally "…some guy's house…Tim, or Tom or Greg…I'm not really sure. See you soon."

She hangs up and I groan into the phone before turning to Nathan. "Well she wasn't much help, I'm going to go try and find her." I bite my lip and shrug. "I'll see you later."

I'm halfway to my car when I feel him run up behind me and grab my arm. "I'll take you," he says. "You won't be able to handle her alone."

I turn around and glare at him. "I am perfectly capable, Nathan. I've done this before."

He grabs my hand anyway and pulls me toward his car. "But you don't even know where she is. There are only two parties that I know about in town…I'll take you to each of them and we can try and find her."

I finally give in and get into his car in the passenger's seat, frowning still. He peals out of the driveway and we go in search of Taylor but he doesn't say a word for the first five minutes. I start to shift uncomfortably in my seat. "Look…Nathan," I begin, "I thought about what you said that night in my room. I know you don't think I'm being honest with you, but I am…okay? It has nothing to do with you…or Taylor." I pause to look at him but he doesn't respond so I think it best to continue. "It's just…next year, you and Taylor are off to college and I'm going to be stuck here in Tree Hill. I needed to make new friends so I won't be alone when you guys leave." It sounds reasonable, it sounds like a good enough reason to be befriending Brooke and Peyton but there's a hole to this explanation, it still isn't enough reason to push both Taylor and Nathan away.

I know immediately that Nathan will call me on it.

"And that's reason to stop talking to us?" He counters, just like I knew he would.

"I haven't stopped talking to you, Nathan." And it's true, I still talk to him. Maybe not like I used to, but it's not like I ignore him. "I'm here with you now, aren't I?"

He looks over at me and gives me a look. "I forced you to get in this car, Haley. You didn't want my help in finding Taylor, remember?"

I look down and fiddle with my hands. "I don't know what you want me to say," I whisper. "I told you the truth."

He scoffs and it causes me to look up abruptly at him. "There's something you're hiding, Haley. I know you well enough to know that. I don't know what the hell it is, but if you don't find the courage to be honest with me, or Taylor, soon…both of us are going to push you out of our lives; the same as you've been doing to us." He still won't look at me.

"Is that a threat?" I ask, my voice laughing in disbelief. "Are you threatening me?"

He closes his eyes for a second as we pull up to a red light and then looks over to me. "I don't want to do it, Haley. I still consider you the only best friend I've ever had. But if you're going to do this to me, I'm not going to stick around."

My eyes dart back and forth as I watch his intense stare bore into me. "Fine," I whisper, my brow raising a bit, challenging him. "Don't. It's not like you've been there for me so far in the last three months. Why not make it official?"

He narrows his eyes at me. The light is green but there's no one behind us so he doesn't make any attempt to go. "How could I have been there for you, Haley?" He asks icily. "You won't have a normal conversation with me. I don't know anything that's going on in your life besides the fact that your two faced friends don't care about you the way Taylor and I do."

I scoff and turn around to face forward in disbelief. "Oh, because you know them so well, don't you?" I ask, my town equally as icy as his. "You've talked to Brooke and Peyton zero times in your life, Nathan so don't lecture me about things you don't know sh!t about. They know me better than you ever will." I know this isn't true but my tone stays level and confident. There is no way I'm letting him know he's right. I love Brooke and Peyton, but they don't know my history like Taylor and Nathan do. It doesn't mean they don't care about me the same, they just don't know how I got the permanent scar on my thigh or that I'm ashamed of the weird birthmark I have near the small of my back.

Nathan rolls his eyes. "First of all, that's a lie and you and I both know that. But second of all…" he is interrupted by a honk from behind us and he looks in the rearview mirror to spot a black navigator honking like crazy at us. Nathan drives forward, lowering his voice as he looks straight ahead "…second of all, I was talking about Lucas."

I turn my head to face him but he's still not looking at me. "You don't know Lucas either," I scoff. "Jesus, Nathan…you're so judgmental."

He rolls his eyes and looks at me briefly before looking back at the road. "You don't Lucas' reputation like I do," he says.

Now it's my turn to roll my eyes. "Well, you don't know _Lucas _like _I_ do."

He parks down the street of the house with tons of teenagers inside and millions of cups and trash scattered on the front lawn. "This conversation is useless," he sighs. "Do whatever the hell you want, Haley." I hate that tone of voice. "It's your life."

I gulp, but still manage to keep my voice steady. "You're right…it is."

He rolls his eyes and nods before opening his door and making his way up to the party. I take a few moments to collect myself before following suit and searching desperately for Taylor. She, as I had been expecting, is dancing on top of one of the tables and shaking her a ss like she had taught me to do when I was twelve. My mom had caught us dancing to some rap song in Taylor's room one day and Taylor had been grounded for teaching me such an appalling routine.

It was pretty entertaining actually.

But watching Taylor dance drunkenly is no entertainment, especially when there are tons of creepy guys ogling her as she does so. Nathan doesn't look alarmed at all. I find him at the keg, gulping down a drink and glaring in my direction. "A little help, please…" I shout over the music but he simply shrugs.

"You said you could take care of her all by yourself, remember? I was merely providing a ride." He smirks triumphantly and nods as two guys in letterman jackets pass him by and wink over at me.

I roll my eyes and grab his arm, pulling him toward Taylor. "This isn't funny, Nathan!" I scream. "Look at her; she's a f ucking wreck! She's doing this because of you, for Christ's sake!"

He pulls his arm out of my grasp and leers at me. "Oh, really? Because I'm pretty sure that it's because of that little fight the two of you had earlier. Face it, Haleybop," he mocks Taylor's nickname for me, "she's this way because of _you._"

I scoff in his face. "Oh yea? Well, we were fighting about _you!"_

He takes a step back, obviously startled by my sudden confession. "What?"

I take a deep breath and sigh loudly, looking anywhere but at him. "The fight was about you, okay? She doesn't think you're interested in her anymore and she wanted me to talk to you but I said I wouldn't."

He studies me for a long moment and then looks up at Taylor, who is still oblivious to our presence. He sighs and then looks back at me. "This is so f ucking complicated," he mutters and then reaches into his pockets. "I'm going to pull the car around," he says. "Get her out front."

I open my mouth to protest, but he's already gone and he doesn't turn around when I call his name. I close my eyes for a second and count to ten, trying to calm myself before I try to calm Taylor. I open them again and look up but Taylor is already making her way over to me, giggling like mad and tripping as she does so. "_Hay_," she slurs, throwing her arms around me and almost causing me to topple over backwards. "You came! Let's get you a drink."

"No, Taylor," I say firmly. "We're taking you home."

She lowers her bottom lip and pouts. "I don't wanna."

I roll my eyes and pull her arm around my shoulder, leading her toward the door. Thankfully, she's really in no position to try to pull away so I'm able to get her outside. We wait on the sidewalk for Nathan to pull the car around but he's still not there.

"What are you waiting for?" Taylor asks, placing her palms on my cheeks and squishing them together. She studies my face. "You look sad." It's almost like listening to a child. I hate Taylor when she gets like this.

"We're waiting for Nathan," I tell her. "Your boyfriend?"

She shakes her head. "No. I don't want to talk to him!"

"Taylor," I sigh. "We have to get you home, okay?"

Nathan pulls up next to us and Taylor and I slide in the backseat. I lay her down so that her head is in my lap and immediately she falls asleep, snoring and all.

It's hard not to laugh.

Nathan catches my glance in the rear view mirror but then looks away. "I'm sorry I bailed."

I shrug. "It's no big deal," I whisper, stroking Taylor's hair and looking out the window.

I hear him sigh. "And I'm sorry I yelled at you."

I still don't look up. "Again, it's no big deal."

"It is a big deal, Haley. I don't want this for us." And there's that voice again. The voice he knows is something I can hardly resist.

But this time, I don't let it effect me. "We're going in circles, Nathan…you and I." I shake my head as I watch the houses pass by. "We're having the same conversation over and over again and I'm sick of it." My voice is exhausted, warn out from the constant fighting Nathan and I have been doing for the last week or so.

"Because you're not giving me answers, Haley…" he says calmly "…not real ones, anyway."

I can't give him answers, so I don't. I just sit there, completely silent and completely still as he drives my sister and me home. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to tell Nathan that the reason I can't be around him is because it hurts too much; because I can't stand to see him kiss my sister and hold my sister the way I want him to kiss and hold me.

I feel a single tear drop.

I do my best to wipe it away and hold back the rest of the tears that are begging to fall in fear that Nathan will see and call me on it. I look down at my sister and stroke her hair once more, bending down to kiss her forehead as she sleeps peacefully. None of this is her fault but I know that I had been blaming her. She can't help the way she feels about Nathan, it's just that I can't help the way I feel either. "I'm sorry," I whisper into her ear but she doesn't move an inch.

Nathan and I help her up to her bedroom and lay her down. Nathan tucks her in and kisses her on the forehead as I watch silently from the doorway. "You should treat her like that when she's awake," I whisper but it's not harsh at all, I'm just telling him peacefully.

"What?" He asks, but I know he heard me so I don't repeat myself.

"She loves you, Nathan. But she wants more from you and I don't think she thinks you're capable of giving it to her. She thinks you don't want her anymore." I give him a sad smile and turn to leave but he follows behind me and into my room.

"I don't know if I do."

I gulp and turn around. "What did you say?" I whisper, my eyes wide.

"I love her, Haley. I just…maybe this was all a mistake." He walks over to my bed and falls down onto it, staring up at the ceiling.

I follow him with my eyes but stand completely still. "You – you can't mean that…" I say, now overcome with panic "…no, Nathan…come on, it's Taylor. You've wanted this ever since you were a little kid." I move over toward him. "You're just confused."

He shakes his head. "I don't know what to do."

"Give it time," I tell him forcefully. "I mean, think this through…you'll regret it if you don't." I don't know why I'm pushing for this. Isn't this what I wanted? Taylor and Nathan to break up? I mean, that's what I thought I wanted. But now as he says it, I have this feeling of sadness wash over me and I can't help but feel bad for Taylor.

Besides, I would probably never see Nathan again.

He looks up at me. "We're better off as friends, Haley."

"No," I say quickly. "You're wrong…"

"You hear us fight," he sighs. "We're a disaster."

"Yeah, but…I also hear you have sex." I clasp my hand over my mouth as soon as the words come out and my eyes widen in surprise. Did I just say that out loud? But then I hear Nathan laugh and I find that it was worth embarrassing myself over.

Because I hadn't heard Nathan genuinely laugh in a really long time.


	4. Kiss of Death

So you all officially have permission to hate me forever for witholding already written chapters. I really have no excuse as to why I've been M.I.A. for a while other than people suck. Haha. Anyway, I hope you've stuck with this. I'm sort of in a rut right now with chapter seven but up until then, it should be smooth sailing. Hope you enjoy.

Z

**Four.**

_Kiss of Death_

Nathan's confession was all I could think about all weekend.

It was hard to deal with since I had to look at it from three different angles; one as Taylor's sister, the other as Nathan's best friend, and the last one, as me. Taylor's sister pushes for them to stay together because she knows that Taylor, who appears to be desperately in love, would be devastated if she lost him. Nathan's best friend needs to make sure this is really what he wants and that he's not going to regret it later. But the selfish girl in me, well…I want him all to myself and this is a good opportunity for just that.

It makes feel sick to even think about that last thought.

Because I'm not a bad person and though I have my moments, I'm not selfish either. I want everyone around me to be happy, but I want myself to be happy too. Sometimes, you can't please everyone and that just kills me.

It makes decisions all that much tougher.

"Hey stranger," says Peyton as she sits down next to me on the bench in the quad. I had been sitting here for a half an hour or so, staring blankly at my trig homework. Of course, I don't understand my trig homework even on a good day so when I have other things on my mind, it's only that much harder. Peyton smiles sweetly as she puts her backpack down in front of her and retrieves a bottle of water. "How was your weekend?"

I shrug. "Emotionally draining. You?"

She falls back against the back of the bench with her face up at the sky and her eyes closed, turning to me only a couple of seconds later and squinting. "About the same." I question her with a quizzical glance and she sighs, taking a swig from her bottle. "Jake and I are fighting again…we're turning into an old married couple or something. I swear we're turning into how you describe Nathan and Taylor." Jake is her boyfriend of four months. They were already dating when Peyton and I first became friends, but at that time, they were all over each other.

They've been having trouble lately.

"I'm sorry," I sympathize. "You should talk to him, tell him how you feel. Jake's a cool guy…he'll understand."

She smiles in response and looks back up at the sky. "So, what about you? Taylor and Nathan driving you crazy again or something? Are there any new developments I should be aware of?

I shake my head. "Not really," I say dismissively running a hand through my hair and groaning. "God, things just got so complicated when they started dating and now when he tells me he wants to end it with her, I'm not as happy as I thought I would be."

"Of course not," she says, giving me a tight smile. "You're not a bad person."

I shrug. "Can I tell you something?"

She sits up and I can tell she's in full listening mood. "Of course."

I stare back at her, my eyes obviously giving off my ambivalence in whether or not I want to tell her. "I sort of had a kind of epiphany this weekend…" I say. She watches me, waiting for me to continue and the intensity of her stare makes me blush before the words even leave my mouth "…I think I like Nathan as, you know, more than a friend." I scrunch up my nose waiting for her response, which I assume will be a gasp of surprise.

She laughs instead.

"What is so funny?" Brooke asks for me as she approaches and I hide my face in my hands in horror. Peyton just continues to laugh, her head falling into her knees. "What is so funny?" Brooke asks again, looking back and forth between Peyton and me and then sitting down on the other side of me. "One of you better tell me," she demands.

Peyton finally catches her breath, holding onto her chest and covering her hand with her mouth. "Sorry. It's just Haley said she had an epiphany last night." Brooke raises her eyebrow. "She likes Nathan."

Brooke bursts out laughing too and Peyton joins her again.

"That's not funny!" I growl. How great is it that they're mocking me after I so vulnerably put myself out there and admitted something that I'm not sure I should have?

"It's a little funny," Brooke says, finally pulling herself together and placing her arm on my shoulder. "Hunny, we could have told you that. Hell, I knew that the second I met you. _Haley likes Nathan_. It's one of those things that goes without saying." She shrugs, grabbing Peyton's water bottle and taking a swig of her own.

"That's not true!" I protest. "I didn't feel this way until a couple of days ago."

Brooke rolls her eyes. "Oh please."

"I'm serious!" I whine but neither pays attention to me. "Can you guys stop laughing at me for one second? It's great that you knew before I did but I really have a problem here, okay? Nathan's going to dump Taylor and I feel guilty."

Brooke rolls her eyes. "Why the hell would you feel guilty?" She scoffs. "You didn't do anything, Haley. It's not like you made a pass at him or anything…he just isn't feeling her anymore. Not your fault." She says it so simply, like it's so obvious or something but I can't help but feel like there is more to it than that.

Maybe it's not my fault technically but it's like if you were to wish for someone to get hurt or something and then the next day they do. It's just some odd coincidence, right? But you can't help but still feel guilty for thinking such things in the first place.

I lean back onto the bench. "I don't know what to do. If I don't push for her, I'll feel like a bad sister but if I do, I'm being a hypocrite because this is all I wanted since the day Taylor told me they were dating." I stare up at the sky. "I'm so f ucked."

"Who did you f uck?" I look up to find Taylor and Nathan standing in front of the three of us. The comment of course, was made by Taylor, not Nathan.

"No one," I sigh, holding up the palm of my hand and using as it as visor to shield the sun as I stare back at her. Nathan has his arm around her as they stand there staring at me and Brooke pokes me in the ribs. I shoot her a look and she shrugs innocently. "What's up?" I ask Taylor.

She seems to have forgiven me for the other day in the dressing room. We never really talked about it so I figure she wanted to just drop it, which is okay by me. "Just wanted to say hi to my baby sister and friends."

"You remember Brooke and Peyton, right?" I ask. It seems weird that my new friends haven't formally met my sister but it's because at the time, all I wanted to do was get away from her. We just hung out at their houses and occasionally mine when Taylor wasn't home. I'm sure they thought it was weird at first, but then they heard the situation and they understood.

"Of course," Taylor smiles but I can see the obvious jealousy in her eyes. She thinks that Brooke and Peyton have taken her place. Of course, this is not true but I can see how she could think so. "You guys know Nathan?"

They nod and both simultaneously bump my hips. I roll my eyes at them and try and focus on Taylor and Nathan, or more Taylor than Nathan. "We had a class together last year," Peyton tells Nathan. "You never really showed up, but you were in it…technically."

He gives her a tight smile but I can see him tensing up beside Taylor. "I remember."

"Well, I should get to class…" Brooke announces loudly after an awkward silence. Brooke doesn't do well with silence period, much less when it's awkward. "…to you know, study and stuff. I hear that's cool or something. You coming, Goldilocks?" She shoots Peyton the most obvious look in the world and I'm positive that both Nathan and Taylor catch it. "Nice seeing you again, Taylor." She nods at her. "Nathan." Both girls walk away, linking arms and I hear Peyton quietly scolding her.

I try not to laugh.

"They're an interesting bunch," Taylor laughs, sitting down next to me. Nathan continues to stand awkwardly and I have a feeling it has to do with the fact that he doesn't know if I'll tell Taylor about his little revelation the other night. I think part of him knows I wouldn't do that to him but part of him is probably worried that I will tell Taylor for the sake of her well being. The bell rings and she stands up suddenly. "Sh!t," she exclaims, and I raise an eyebrow, "I forgot to hand my paper in to Mr. Carter." She rolls her eyes in the back of her head. "I'm so dead."

I shake my head and salute her casually as she walks away. "See you later." I turn to look up at Nathan and smile weakly. "I'm not going to tell her if that's what you're worried about."

He furrows his brow. "What makes you think I'm worried?"

I roll my eyes. "We may not be on the best of terms right now but I know you probably better than anyone. You're worried I'm going to tell Taylor that you're thinking of breaking up with her – which is a huge mistake, by the way – but I'm not going to. You should know me well enough to know that I don't go blabbing things that aren't any of my business…" I smile innocently "…most of time."

He nods and sits down next to me, still looking forward and nowhere near me. "I didn't think you would…it's just, look…you're right. I thought it through and I don't know what I was thinking…Taylor's great, I'm lucky to have her."

I freeze momentarily. "Oh," I bite my lip, "well then, that's great." I nod profusely. "I'm really glad." I'm hoping I sound enthusiastic but I know that I probably don't. I don't know why I keep doing this to myself; I need to make up my mind and figure out what the hell it is that I want. "That's – that's good," I say again.

He looks over at me and then stands back up. "I just wanted to tell you, you know, in case you were worried or something."

I swallow. "Thanks."

He nods. "See you around."

I force the fakest smile of my life and mirror his nod. "Yeah, I'll see you later."

I've stopped trying to ditch Taylor. After everything that happened the other day between us, I figured it best to just stick around more; for her sake. So when she told me she was getting take-out Chinese and I was welcome to join, I agreed. After all, Mom left to meet up with Dad and Taylor hates being alone.

I figure I owe her at least this much.

But it's obvious that we are not going to be alone when the doorbell rings after Taylor leaves. On the other side of the door is Nathan, who had apparently misplaced his key. My mom gave Nathan a key when he was thirteen because she said she was tired of having him sneak in the window. She loved Nathan like her own son, I think even more than she loved Taylor and I.

It's kind of sad.

"Nathan," I say, surprised. "Tay didn't say you were coming over."

He shrugs and gives me a grin that I see as forced. "Aren't I always over?"

I should have thought about that. "Yeah, of course. I just thought…" I pause and shake my head, giving him a smile "…come on in." I open the door wider and allow him to make his way in. I follow him to the living room and the two of us stand there awkwardly.

God this is getting so repetitive.

"So," he says, finally sitting down on the couch. "Good day at school?"

I raise an eyebrow and frown. "Yes, mother."

He laughs. "Sorry, I'm no good with small talk."

I roll my eyes and fall down onto the couch next to him. "I know."

He turns to me and smiles. "Of course you do." He gets that far off look in his eyes that I've seen happen so many times before and I try desperately to place where it is he's gone off to. Maybe his parents are fighting again, or maybe he's still confused about Taylor. Whatever it is, I can't read it like I used to be able to. "So listen, Haley…" he sighs "…I want to talk about the other night."

"Nathan…" I protest, rolling my eyes. There is no way I'm going there with him again, I'm not sure I have the energy for it.

He puts his hand up to stop me. "No, I'm not going to get mad at you. I just wanted to apologize." He laughs at my bewildered expression. "I know that things have been bad for us lately, especially for me because I've been so confused as to why it's happening but I trust that you're doing all of this for a reason and I respect you enough to just…let it go." He gives me a crooked smile. "You're important to me, Haley…and I don't want to do anything to push you away even more so…"

I study him for a second. "Thanks," I say finally but he just nods in response. "That means a lot to me."

"And what I said about Lucas…" he starts, looking down at his hands as he picks at his nails. It's a nervous habit that I've noticed he's had since he was a little boy. "Hang out with him, date him…whatever. It's none of my business and I'm sorry that I was being a little harsh about that."

"I'm not dating him," I confirm. "Lucas is not my type."

"You don't have a type," he says, squinting his eyes and staring out into space; thinking. He suddenly laughs. "You've liked pretty much every kind of guy out there."

"That's not true!" I whine.

He rolls his eyes. "Oh, it's so true. Musicians, athletes, nerds…" he says, counting off on his fingers.

"Craig was not a nerd!" I protest.

He narrows his eyes at me, a smirk on his lips. "I was talking about Joseph, who the hell is Craig?"

I furrow my brow and tilt my head to the side. "Oh yea, Joseph kind of was a nerd…but it wasn't his fault."

"I rest my case," he shrugs, kicking back and laying his feet on the coffee table in front of us. We laugh for a moment until he finally looks at me and stops. "You never dated any of them though."

I'm not very experienced for my age. I've only kissed two people in my life. My first was Tom Matthews and he was Nathan's friend. I couldn't have been any older than thirteen. He was a year older but he thought I was cute according to Taylor. We were behind the school one day after his basketball practice when he just leaned in and kissed me, right on the lips. It was sweet and simple and the only bad thing was that Nathan yelled at him five seconds later.

The other was Brooke and it was about a month ago or so. She was drunk and a couple guys dared us too. I was ready to refuse when I felt her tongue down my throat. I'm kidding. It was much like my first kiss except it was sloppier since she was completely smashed. She was mortified when I reminded her of it the next morning.

I look away from Nathan and shrug. "None of them were interested in me."

"Oh please," he scoffs. "You are so one of those girls…"

"One of what girls?" I ask, turning to face him with a challenging grin on my face. It feels good to be at ease around Nathan again, even if I know it's just for a minute or two. Any moment Taylor is going to walk in that door and I'm going to get a serious reality check.

I can't crush on my sister's boyfriend.

"One of those girls who is swooned over by tons of guys but she still doesn't think she has anything to offer because she doesn't see what we see when she looks in the mirror." He raises his brow, challenging me to call him wrong. I don't say anything, just blush like a little girl. "You're beautiful, Haley. And you're smart…witty…kind of annoying sometimes and you can be pretty dramatic in certain situations…come to think of it, you're kind of sensitive but…"

I hit him in the shoulder as he laughs innocently. "You just totally ruined it," I smile behind my pout.

He stops and takes a deep breath. "I'm serious though, Haley…you're amazing and sometimes I wish you saw what everyone else does when they look at you."

I don't answer him for a second or two, just stare back at him and wonder how God could give him a perfect body and a perfect heart. "That's the nicest thing everyone has ever said to me," I say and he just stares back at me. "Thank you, Nathan."

He puts his arm around me and pulls me closer toward him. "Anything to see you smile and know that I caused it…" I know it sounds cheesy and that is my initial reaction but he says it with that trademark grin of his that makes my heart melt even with a cheap line like that. It's why he's so perfect.

Anything he says can turn me to goo.

I bury my head in the crook of his neck and I realize I had forgotten what it felt like to be this close to Nathan. I had always found comfort in being around him when I was little. The warmth of his hug was something I craved as a little girl.

It was pretty unhealthy, I suppose.

"Nathan," I say in a muffled voice, still buried into him.

He tightens his grip on me. "Yeah?"

"Are you sure that everything is okay with Taylor?" I ask, retracting my head from the crook of his neck and looking up at him so that our faces are only inches apart. "I mean…you really changed your mind about what you said the other night?" The way it comes out, I'm sure it sounds like I want to make sure that they're okay but I know that in reality, I'm almost hoping that he's going to tell me something different; somehow give me the answer I'm looking for.

I just don't know what that answer is yet.

I'm so close that I can see my reflection in his eyes. "Taylor's great…" he says "…beautiful, smart, down to earth..." he laughs softly and it's kind of a half laugh, half sigh "…I've had a crush on her ever since I was a little kid." He raises his eyebrow at me, "this you know."

I nod.

"But something's missing, Haley…and no matter what I do to try and fill whatever void there is, I can't…" I feel him pull away a little bit; both physically and emotionally "…it's complicated."

I bite my lip and look down, trying to understand. When I look back up, it's obvious that he is concentrating on my lips and it gives me a chill that I can't explain. I rub them together self consciously, averting my eyes. It's completely silent and I can't think of a single thing to say. I dare to look back up at him as his eyes move from my lips to meet my gaze. "I want to kiss you," he whispers, so softly that I can almost swear it was a figment of my imagination.

My eyes widen in surprise at Nathan's sudden revelation but I don't do anything to stop him as he moves in closer, staring me dead in the eye. I watch his eyelids flicker closed as I feel his breath hot on my own. I don't react to his lips on mine at first; I don't even close my eyes but as I hear him moan into my mouth, I can't help but give in.

It's Nathan.

His hands move up to my neck and then through my hair which thankfully I straightened earlier this evening. If my hair was normal his hands would have gotten caught it a million knots and how embarrassing would that be? My hand moves to his chest and I can feel his heart beating rapidly; it makes me smile into the kiss. He tastes better than I could have ever imagined and the way he touches me makes it even more special. His hands are so gentle, so smooth as he moves them from my back to the front where he slips his fingers under my shirt and on to my skin to make full contact.

My eyes flicker open.

"Oh my god!" I gasp, my hand flying to my mouth. "Oh my god!"

He looks taken back but I'm sure reality hits him seconds later because he closes his eyes and lets out a long sigh. His palm rises to his forehead. "Don't freak out, Haley…" he pleads softly but I was never one to listen and he knows this.

"What do you mean, don't freak out?" I scream back at him. "I just kissed my best friend and if that's not a big deal, my _sister's boyfriend_!" I stand up, moving as far away from him as I can but still remaining in the room. "Oh my god, I'm a whore."

He laughs and I shoot a glare in his direction as he says, "Haley…you've kissed one person in your life…well two now…I hardly think that classifies you as a whore."

"Three actually," I snarl. "And I'm pretty sure that kissing your sister's boyfriend makes you a whore in the girl code," I say in a harsh whisper.

He honestly doesn't seem to be focusing on the fact that he just cheated on his girlfriend because he disregards anything that has to do with Taylor. "Three? Who was the third?"

I roll my eyes. "Like that's relevant right now, Nathan!"

He throws his hands up in defeat. "Just calm down, Haley…"

"I will not calm down!" I shriek. "How can you not be freaking out about this?"

He just shakes his head, gets up from the couch and leaves, refusing to say another word. I stand completely still in the living room as I hear the door open and Taylor singing that the food has arrived.

Perfect timing, sister.


	5. The Reality of The Situation

**Five.**

_The Reality of the Situation._

When I woke up this morning, I was sure that the kiss was simply a figment of my imagination. After all, that is usually what happens when something so out of the blue, so unexpected happens to you and you don't know exactly what to make of it. All of it was, still is, sort of foggy in my memory and I can't even remember exactly how it went about happening.

All I know is that as of now, I feel guilty as hell about it.

There is no doubt in my mind that cheating is wrong, and even though technically Nathan is the one that cheated, I feel even dirtier than I'm sure he does. Because Taylor is my sister, my blood; she's the girl who though pushed me around at times as a little kid, always had my back.

She's the girl that beat up Marcy Dixon when she pushed me off the swing.

And how do I repay her? I kiss her boyfriend! How great of a person am I? Not only do I feel guilty but I feel like I deserve to be smacked across the face. Maybe I didn't initiate it, but I didn't stop it either and most importantly, I wanted it.

I wanted it so bad.

Dinner after the kiss was awkward but I don't think Taylor realized why that was exactly. I think she was still caught up in the awkwardness that consumed us before, when I was avoiding the two of them with a reason unbeknownst to them. She didn't realize that the reason Nathan and I refused to look each other in the eye was because we had kissed only seconds before she had come home. To her, it was the normal that she had grown accustomed to.

To me, it was a whole new world of lies.

"Haley?" Poor Lucas has been sitting there patiently, silent as I collect my thoughts. We've been sitting in my room for an hour or so and while he studies, I just simply space out and do what I do best, overanalyze. "Haley?

I blink profusely at him and rub at my eyes. "Sorry. What were you saying?"

He drops his pencil in his textbook, closes it and throws it on the bed beside me. He sits on my desk chair and I sit cross legged on the bed. He squints at me thoughtfully. "Something's off about you, Hales. What happened?

I shake my head and try to act baffled. "What are you talking about?"

He laughs lightly and pulls the palms of his hands behind his head as he leans back. "You've been acting weird all day, Haley. You keep spacing out and though I know that is just something you do, it's been different today. You're all over the place."

I shrug and flash an apologetic smile his way. "I'm just tired…it's been a long day." This of course, is the easiest way out of the conversation that we will probably end up having. It's how you cover up your feelings, you just say you're tired and normally, it will be dropped. Either because the other person is oblivious or because they know you don't want to talk about it.

He rolls his eyes. "I don't buy it." He says. "Tell me what happened. Is it Taylor?"

I study him for a second, trying to find a way to back out of this but finding none. "Partly. I don't know, it's not a big deal." Of course it _is_ a big deal, a huge deal, but I am not in the mood to discuss this with Lucas, or anyone for that matter. It makes me feel like too much of a horrible person. I didn't even tell Brooke and Peyton today at school, though I know they'd be excited. For me, it's just hard to be excited about the kiss with Nathan when it's also the thing that is going to ultimately disconnect me from my sister.

"Apparently it is a big deal," he says, sitting up and reaching for my thigh to rub soothingly. Lucas has always been good at comfort. He has this sort of macho exterior that was the only thing I saw when I first met him but beneath the surface, he's just as sensitive as me. "Come on, Hales. It's me…" he smiles comfortingly "…I'm not going to judge you."

I shake my head. "I'd rather not, Lucas. I'm sorry."

He frowns and gets this look on his face that I'm not really sure how to go about reading. "It's Nathan," he says knowingly. He closes his eyes and shakes his head. I think he's aware of my deal with Nathan only because he always gets that knowing look in his eyes every time his name comes up.

"Luke…" I protest.

He finally relents, throwing his hands up in the air in surrender. "Okay, okay. But sitting there and overanalyzing is just going to make things worse…you and I both know this."

"I just don't want to talk about it, Luke…" I say, and I can feel my voice starting to sound irritated. I know there is absolutely no reason to be getting mad at him but I hate that he's prying. "Not now, okay?"

Not ever.

Because talking about it makes it all the more real and right now, I want to just pretend like it never happened. As badly as I wanted it and as much as I crave the taste of his lips, it was wrong and it was a mistake. It shouldn't have happened, regardless of how I feel about him. Besides, I know he's probably thinking it was a mistake too. How could he not?

Its Taylor he wants.

But he did say something was missing, didn't he? Maybe he's just confused. He and Taylor have always been off and on. He's probably just going through a faze. He's never been a one girl kind of guy and he's probably just running off scared like any other guy in his situation would do. I'm just the girl that's supposed to change his mind, to tell him to go back to his girlfriend because he loves her.

That's what happens in the movies, right?

I hear footsteps coming up the stairs and I look away from Lucas' pleading eyes to the open door where Taylor stumbles in. Her eyes are tainted with mascara and filled with water just begging to fall onto her cheeks. My eyes widen at the sight of her and I can't help but just stare at her openly with a million things rushing through my mind. I open my mouth to speak but I realize I don't know what to say.

She looks over at Lucas and smiles awkwardly. "Hi Lucas," she says in a helpless whisper. I don't even take my eyes off of her to witness Lucas' reaction; I'm too stunned and too curious to figure out what is going on. She looks back over at me. "I need you Hay," she says before breaking off into a heartbreaking sob.

I finally look over at Lucas as he gets up out of his chair and stuffs his books into his backpack. He smiles at Taylor warmly and then looks back over at me. "I promised Brooke I'd hang out with her anyway. I'll see you later. Bye Taylor." I smile at him thankfully but don't bother to see him out, I simply look back at my helpless older sister.

Taylor never cries. My whole life she was the one telling me not to cry because it makes you look weak. And here she is, crying. It's something I was sure I'd never see in my lifetime and that is why I know that whatever it is, it's something big.

Really big.

"What's wrong Tay?" I ask as she comes over to my bed. "Tell me what happened, baby." I wrap my arms around her and pull her next to me on the bed as she sobs onto my shoulder. Her breathing is unsteady and loud and I can feel her tears on my skin. "Shhh…it's okay. Just tell me what's wrong, we'll fix it."

She shakes her head. "We can't. He doesn't want me."

I flinch involuntarily because immediately I know what she's talking about. Of course this has to do with Nathan, I don't know why that wasn't my initial reaction. Taylor is vulnerable when it comes to Nathan. She never had been when they were just friends but when they started dating, that vulnerability I never knew she had in her was something I could see clearly. She really loves him.

Just when I thought I couldn't feel any guiltier, here I am.

"Nathan?" I whisper and when I feel her nod I inhale a long, deep breath. "What happened, Tay? What did he do?"

"It's over…" she sobs "…like, really over. He pulled the whole it's not you it's me speech on me and every idiot knows that's just so he won't feel guilty. God, Hay…what am I gonna do? I don't understand it." She looks up at me with those mascara stained eyes and pleads with me to give her an answer but I know that I'm in no position to do that.

I can't believe he broke up with her. That is the last thing I had expected him to do. What happened to the whole story I had cooked up? About me being the girl that reminds him how much he really loves Taylor? And what about the whole speech he gave me that day at school on the bench about how he had thought it through, and he was going to try harder.

"You're going to be okay," I tell her. "Of course you're going to be okay. It's you, Tay. Miss independent, remember? You don't need him." She doesn't look convinced, not in the least and I wish I could say something to make it better. I wish I could do something to make her stop looking at me like that but I know that nothing is that simple.

This is totally my fault.

"I'm so pathetic," she mumbles, getting up from the bed and moving toward my mirror on the door leading to the bathroom. She laughs bitterly at her reflection and then wipes at the mascara under her eyes before running a hand through her hair. "Look at me. This is ridiculous."

"It's okay to be upset," I tell her from across the room. "It's perfectly normal."

"I don't want to be normal," she says, still looking at her reflection. "I'm not normal, Haley. Remember? It's me…I don't pull sh!t like this, I don't cry." She's angry now but I know it's not at me, though maybe it should be. She's mad at herself; angry that she's crying over some guy. "I don't cry," she says again but this time it's even less convincing than the first because she breaks into a chorus of sobs and covers her face with her hands. "I don't want to be the girl that cries over her boyfriend."

"Its okay," I assure her, getting up from my seat on the bed and moving over to wrap my arms around her. "I know how much Nathan means to you." I feel like a terrible person when I say this because I do know how much he means to her, and I knew it when I kissed him.

"_Meant_ to me," she amends. "He means nothing to me now."

"Come on, Taylor…" I say helplessly "…it's okay to still love him." I feel so phony as I try to comfort her. I feel like I should just come out and say it all right now, come out and tell her that Nathan and I kissed the other night. But I know that it will only make her cry harder and that is not something I want to witness.

Ever.

She closes her eyes and a couple more tears escape. "It's weird…" she says "…we were always fighting. I mean, part of me knew it wouldn't last but part of me thought we were strong enough." She places her palms on the side of her head and shakes it. "I hate this. Now I have a headache."

I let out a short laugh and smile. "That's what happens when you cry."

She sighs, "I had forgotten."

She falls asleep on my bed an hour or so later after I try to coax her into a relaxing slumber. Whenever I would cry as a little girl, or even now, sleeping always helped. It was always soothing and when I woke up, though nothing was better, I could at least think straight.

Because in the heat of the moment, you can't talk yourself out of feeling the way you do.

After she's been asleep for a good fifteen minutes or so, I tip toe out of my room and slip on my shoes, grabbing Taylor's keys and heading out the door. There's someone I need to see. He's the only one who can give me the answers I need right now. Part of me wants to strangle him for hurting her but the other part of me wants to ask him calmly and rationally why it is he did it, so then maybe I can find some sort of understanding about the kiss.

I wasn't going to ask. In fact, I was ready to just let it go all together externally. I thought maybe if we pretended like it didn't happen, we'd end up okay. I didn't talk to him all day and I was planning on avoiding him as long as possible but here I am, at his house.

Because I need answers.

He opens the door but doesn't say anything.

Nathan has this stare that always manages to make me avert my eyes. It's so intense and so deep and concentrated that it's intimidating. I find myself forcing myself to look him in the eye but when I do, there's always this fear inside me. Sometimes, mostly when I was younger, it made me feel important, but now as I realize my newfound feelings for him, it scares me to death.

Because it's like he can see through me.

"We need to talk," I say firmly, trying to sound sure. Of course, as I say this my right hand is playing with Taylor's keys nervously.

He sighs and groans at the same time, running a hand through his hair and then onto his forehead. "I had a feeling this might happen," he says and I can tell his voice is tired but at this point, I don't really care. "Maybe you should come in."

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," I say, lingering on the porch. "I left Taylor at home and she's in pretty bad shape." I don't want her to wake up to an empty house, especially when she's probably feeling more lonely than ever. Maybe I shouldn't be the one to comfort her, considering the situation and all, but right now, she has no one.

Her ditzy friends have never been the consoling kind.

He doesn't say anything and I can tell he's thinking really hard. He always gets that far off look in his eyes and it's like he's looking at you but doesn't really see you. "Is she okay?" He asks in a low whisper, barely audible.

"What do you think, Nathan?" I ask in a somewhat sharp tone. "You just cut her off without explanation…obviously she's not going to take that well." I raise my brow and look at him pointedly. "She's a mess."

He looks down at his shoes and then back up at me, nodding. "I don't want to hurt her." He's being sincere. I know Nathan well enough to know when he really means what he's saying and it's obvious to me that he cares about her. "But I don't want to lead her on, either." He shakes his head dismissively and then gives me a pleading look. "Come inside," he says and when I start to object he adds, "please."

I look back at the car in the driveway and then turn to face him again. "Only for a second," I say decisively. I know that following Nathan inside is something I shouldn't be doing because not only do I have Taylor waiting at home, but I shouldn't be here in the first place. My relationship with Nathan is too weird right now and too complicated. The naïve part of me believes this will help untangle the issues but in reality, I know this is just going to make things worse.

I follow him up the stairs and into his room. I haven't been here in months but it still looks exactly the same. Probably because he hasn't touched it since then. He usually spent his nights at my house with Taylor. There are still the posters of Michael Jordan, his hero, on the door leading to his bathroom and he still has a mini basketball hoop on the front door where he beat me at countless games of one on one. It's all the same, but it feels different to me.

It feels like I'm not supposed to be here.

He sits down at the foot of his bed with the small basketball to the mini hoop in his hand while I remain at the door. "So you ignored me all day," he says.

I shake my head. "I wasn't ignoring you."

He scoffs. "Avoiding me, then."

I inhale a deep long breath and look around the room to buy time. "I'm sorry," I say finally in a low whisper. "It's just…weird, okay? It's _weird_. I know that it was just a stupid kiss and it meant nothing but that's new for us. We've never really gone there before…in all these years."

"And now that we have?" He questions.

"I'm just…confused," I say honestly. I subconsciously move closer to him, taking a seat on the bed next to him so that we're parallel to each other. "You didn't break up with Taylor because of the kiss, right?" I ask. "Please tell me that."

"I told you before," he says, "there was something missing with Taylor."

"But you never said you were going to break up with her," I try to reason. "You just said you were having doubts, I thought you were going to think them through."

"I thought it was implied…" he shrugs.

"Nathan you love her…" I say, turning so that our faces are in front of each other but our bodies are still parallel.

"I know I do," he says, trying to make me understand. "It was never about whether or not I loved Taylor…I will always love Taylor." He looks away briefly and sighs before looking back at me. "I just don't think I'm in love with her Haley. And there is nothing you can do to change that…"

I feel the need to push Taylor but I know that it's not logical when I wanted them to break up in the first place. It's just that seeing Taylor the way she was, seeing her so broken and so lonely, it made me nearly forget that I wanted Nathan. I need Taylor to be happy; I won't know what to do with myself if she isn't.

I have to forget about him.

"Don't you remember who you were before you started dating?" I ask, scoffing. "You had a different bed warmer every night. I bet you can't even count how many girls you slept with." I find that my voice is harsh and I can't seem to stop it. "You had commitment issues and you had no respect for any of the girls you took to bed…" He interrupts me before I can finish.

"Is that what you thought of me?" He throws back, standing up from the bed and turning around to face me with a glare.

I roll my eyes. "It's how you were, Nathan. You can try and deny it all you want but you and I both know that you have had sex with half of the Tree Hill population."

"Do you have a point, Haley?" He growls, obviously annoyed.

"Don't go back to that, Nathan. Don't be that guy again. You were a better guy when you were with Taylor." I know this is true. Maybe I wasn't around much but I knew in a single glance at him that this had changed him. Dating Taylor had taken him away from the parties and the sex with faceless girls. As much as it kills me to know he changed for her I admit it.

"How would you know?" He says in a harsh voice. "You were never around, remember?"

I suck in a breath and glare at him, standing up so that we are inches apart. "You know what, I'm sorry I tried. If you want to fall back to your old routine and f uck a different girl every night, that's your prerogative." I scoff. "I'm sorry I ever thought you were better than that."

I storm out of the room and run down the stairs. Nathan runs after me and I can tell from the softness of his voice that he knows he shouldn't have yelled at me. "Haley…wait," he pleads but I continue to descend down the stairs and then out the door to my car. "Damn it Haley, I'm sorry…will you please just stop?"

I stop, but it takes me more than a few seconds to pivot around. When I do, I stare at him with tired eyes. "What do you want me to say, Nathan? Because I came over to talk to you about Taylor and you obviously don't want to hear it."

"Is that really why you came over, though?" He asks softly, taking a few steps toward me. He's not smirking, nor is he even grinning. But I know that it's taking everything in him not to because Nathan Scott loves it when he's right. And he knows he's right.

Because he knows _me._

"I don't know what you're talking about," I say, shrugging my shoulders dramatically. "I came because Taylor is crushed, and it is my duty as her sister to at least put up a fight for her."

He shakes his head. "You didn't come over here to talk to me about Taylor," he says. "Maybe that's what you convinced yourself you were coming over to do. But we both know that you want to talk about last night." He raises his eyebrow. "I'm right, aren't I?"

"No," I throw out, turning around to head toward my car. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Well I do!" He shouts out after me from the same spot I had left him. "That doesn't happen with us, Haley. I've kissed a lot of girls and it's been no big a deal, but with you it is…because we have history."

"And because you had a girlfriend at the time!" I hiss back, my hair flipping as I turn around to glare at him. "Taylor James. Remember her? _My sister!_"

He rolls his eyes. "Why are you yelling at me, Haley? You kissed me back!"

I immediately look around nervously as he yells the last part because I know we can be heard next door and across the street. I grab his arm and pull him back into the house and up the stairs, returning to where we had come from in the first place. "Are you crazy?" I say finally, smacking him in the chest. "People could have heard you!"

"Well obviously you didn't because you haven't answered me!" He shouts, his eyes filled with fire as he stares at me intensely. "Why are you blaming me for all of this?"

I immediately feel myself loosening up as an exhausted feeling creeps up on me. "I don't blame you," I whisper. "You're right, I kissed you back. But I was confused. I wasn't thinking straight."

He continues to bore into me. "So it was a mistake then?" He asks, more calmly.

I nod but refuse to say it out loud.

"Do mistakes happen twice?" He asks.

I frown. "What?"

Before I can process anything, his face moves considerably closer and his lips are instantly on mine before I can react. It's different than the first time because it feels more familiar. When he pulls away he looks into my eyes, waiting for me to say something, anything.

But I don't.

So he kisses me again, with more want and more passion and this time, I part my lips to allow entry for his tongue. When his fingers make contact with my bare skin, I don't snap back to reality. Maybe I should, but I don't. Because in the moment, I'm not thinking about Taylor or any of the other reasons why this is wrong, I'm just thinking about me, selfishly.

I allow him to push me onto the bed and he falls on top of me but I don't get crushed like I would have imagined. He slips his hand between me and the bed and then slowly begins to pull up my shirt with one hand while unbuckling my belt with the other.

"This is so wrong," I whisper but still make no attempt to stop him. I can't make myself do that when this is what I want.

He takes his lips away from mine and moves them to my ear. "I don't care," he whispers and his voice sends shivers up and down my spine.

"I don't want to care," I say, breathing heavy.

"Then don't," he says and I laugh inwardly at how easy he it makes it sound.

I don't pull away, but I _do _care. I know it's wrong. In the back of my mind, that's what I'm thinking about. Taylor. But I try to push that aside because I can't pull away. It's terrible to think that I'm choosing Nathan over my own sister but I know that one day, Taylor will forgive me; eventually.

I may never get this opportunity with Nathan again.

He kisses me all over, discarding my shirt and belt somewhere along the way. I take off his clothes timidly and I can tell that he's amused by my wariness. I'm cautious with every move. After all, this is pretty much my first experience with all this. My first kiss would not even be classified as making out and I try not to count Brooke.

He helps me pull his shirt over his head and then takes off his pants himself, leaving the both of us in only our underwear. I'm conscious of my vulnerability and I can feel my face turning red but thankfully his room is very dim. As his hands reach around to the clasp of my bra I involuntarily gulp. He kisses me seconds later and I can feel myself trying to give in. I can't help the awkwardness of the situation but I don't want to stop it either. I sort of like this feeling, wondering what is going to come next. His hand slips back around and the bra falls off. I subconsciously reach up to cover myself but he pulls my hands away and smiles into the kiss. "Don't be nervous…" he whispers.

But I can't help it. I can't help but wonder what is going through his mind. Does he not realize how much more this means to me than it does to him? Does he not realize that I have feelings for him? Is it just sex? "Nathan…" I start to protest but he silences me with more kisses before traveling downward. "Oh God," I moan and I feel the most ridiculous giggle release from my lips.

When he moves back up to my lips he cups my breast in one hand and with the other, guides my hand downward, underneath his boxers. It's a minute or two later that he reaches over to his nightstand, his lips still attached to mine, and pulls out a box of condoms. We're moving fast, really fast and if it were anyone else, I'm sure I would protest. But Nathan is being so gentle and so sweet and I can't help but feel safe.

After all, I've known him all my life.

He pulls back for a second and studies me. "Haley, you haven't…" he pauses and I know what he's asking. I know that he wants to know if I'm still a virgin or not and I feel my face go red before he even says anything. I'm embarrassed to tell him and I almost want to lie. Most girls my age lost their virginity a year or so ago and here I am, the girl who had only kissed one boy before now.

And one girl, but I try to rid myself of the drunken Brooke memory.

I look him back in the eye briefly before averting my eyes. "I haven't."

He nods and I can't exactly read the look in his eyes like I wish I could. I've never been this desperate to know what someone is thinking and it scares me. The effect he's had on me in the last couple of days is scaring me to death. "Maybe we shouldn't," he says finally in a soft whisper. "I don't want to push you."

He starts to get up but I pull him back down on top of me immediately. "You're not."

He just stares at me and I have no idea what to say. Finally he smiles sadly and leans back into kiss me gently on the lips, but only for a second. "But I am."

I feel more rejected than ever before and I just want to break down into tears right then and there but I don't. Instead, I inhale a deep breath and then get off the bed, closing my eyes and willing the tears to keep from falling. I don't say anything as I put my clothes back on and leave. I don't even look at him. I just simply walk out the door and head to Taylor's car. It's not until I get home and see Taylor sleeping peacefully on my bed that I break down and cry.

Because suddenly, reality sinks in.


	6. The Hangover From Hell

Here's the next chapter. Unfortunately this one doesn't seem to be getting the response Aftertaste is getting. For those of you who are reading both, what's your take on that? Why do you like Aftertaste better? Anyway, let me know because I am curious. I hope you like this chapter. Enjoy. 

**Six.**

_The Hangover from Hell_

I feel like the worst person in the world right now. Honestly, I feel absolutely horrible. Even in the minutes I spent with Nathan on top of me, I knew this would happen in the back of my mind, but it just wasn't enough to pull me away. And that makes me feel terrible. Because in hindsight, I see how wrong it was, how wrong it _is_, but in the moment, I didn't really think it all the way through.

Which is weird since I usually overanalyze everything.

But seeing Taylor afterwards had made it all quite clear. She is my sister, she is my family, and I let her down. If she ever finds out, it will devastate her. Because Taylor trusts me more than she trusts anyone; I can see it in her eyes. We've had each other's backs since day one and last night, I broke that. She may not know it yet, but one day –for I know it will somehow come back to bite me in the ass – she's going to find out and she'll never look at me with as must trust as she once had.

That kills me.

"I'm okay, Haley…" I hear suddenly and I turn next to me in the car to see Taylor smiling halfheartedly "…if that's what you're worried about." She woke up with a smile on her face and though I know that it's fake, I respect the fact that she's trying to act unbothered. I told her we could ditch school today but she insisted on going, telling me that she wasn't going to let some boy ruin her life.

But we both know Nathan is not just _some boy._

"Huh?" I ask in a far off voice, spacing out completely. Part of the reason I suggested skipping school was for Taylor, but the other part was because I didn't want to have to face Nathan either. It's kind of funny how we're both running from the same person.

Taylor just doesn't know it.

"You've got that look," she says, glancing over at me briefly and then focusing back on the road. "And I know you think I'm just putting up a front, but you're wrong…I'm fine, Hay."

"If you say so," I mumble and then turn to look out the window. Part of me is glad that she doesn't want to talk about it, if I was to console her I would feel like I was betraying her even more, lying even. Because how can I be there for her when I'm part of her problem? Of course, she doesn't know that…but I do.

It just feels so phony.

She parks the car near the front of the building and we both sort of sit there for a second, just staring off into space, probably thinking about the same person. I want to cry. I want to tell her what happened last night but I can't. She just trusts me so much and I want it to stay that way as long as possible.

"This feels weird," she admits, staring out the window but making no attempt to move. "I just feel so awkward."

"_We'll _be fine," I say and for some reason, she doesn't catch the slip up.

I think we both notice Nathan simultaneously because we both tense up at exactly the same time. Of course, our reasoning for such a reaction is totally different and mine is much more secretive than hers. He's talking to some guy in the senior class, but it's like he senses our eyes on him because he suddenly turns and then stops talking.

Taylor looks down at the steering wheel and I suddenly find the dashboard fascinating.

She looks over at me with pleading eyes and I know she wants me to tell her what to do. I shrug regretfully and I hear her let out a breath of frustrated air. As she turns off the ignition and starts to make her way out of the car, I look back up at him to find that he's still staring. His friend, oblivious to Nathan's sudden outs in the conversation, continues to talk. He looks over at Taylor, but she's looking anywhere but at him, rummaging through her backpack. Then he looks back at me and I feel the intensity of his eyes, the intensity that makes it clear to me a lot is running through his mind.

He's got that look.

But I can't read it and I can't look him in the eyes long enough to figure it out because I suddenly feel myself getting fidgety. He looks away and back at his friend, then continues on the conversation like nothing has happened.

Taylor scoffs.

"I can't believe he's not even going to say hi," she says. She's gone from sad and confused to angry in only seconds. "So what if we're not dating anymore? We were friends way before that." She looks over at me as she slips her shoulder bag on. "And what about you? Why is he ignoring you too?"

I hope she never finds out why.

I ponder using the 'maybe he didn't see us' line but it's so obvious that he did so I don't waste my time pretending. "Let's just go," I suggest finally, refusing to look back at Nathan as we walk down the hallway. I want to believe that the reason he didn't approach me was because Taylor was there, but I know better.

It's about last night.

Brooke and Peyton approach seconds after we start to walk to our lockers. They look a little confused to see Taylor by my side; I can tell by the looks they try to give each other subtly. Peyton smiles awkwardly. "Where's Nathan?" She asks and I can feel Taylor tense up beside me so I give her a reassuring smile.

"I don't know," she sighs in a small helpless voice, looking down. She glances over at me and then back over at Brooke and Peyton. "I think I'm going to head to my locker, it's the other way…" she points behind the two of them and then shrugs. "I'll see you all later."

I follow her with my eyes and sigh to myself, watching how broken she seems to be. It's all my fault and as if that wasn't enough, I had to go and make her hate me even more. She just doesn't know that she hates me yet. But when she finds out what I did, she will. Because even I would hate myself in this situation.

It's a crappy thing to do.

"What was that all about?" Brooke asks finally, both girls searching me for answers. "I mean, Nathan and Taylor are practically joined at the hip…is he not here today or something?"

I avoid eye contact. "They broke up last night," I say in an exhausted tone.

Their eyes widen simultaneously. "No way!" Brooke exclaims. "Are you serious?"

"I'm afraid so," I say, looking back over to watch Taylor as she walks past Nathan. He gives her a sad smile and she gives the same in return. I can see the tears just tugging at her eyes and I'm sure he can too because he looks more guilty than I've ever seen him. He looks over at me for a brief second but his face is stoic.

"How come?" Peyton asks and I turn back to meet their eyes. I can tell that both of them are somewhat excited and I figure it's because they think I can hook up with him now. They're trying to contain the excitement though, because they know how wrong it would be considering Taylor is my sister. "I mean, I honestly didn't see that one coming."

Part of me wants to tell them it's all my fault, that I kissed him the night before they broke up and then again after. But I can't because I don't want it to be any more real than it already is and if I tell them, it's like validation or something. "I don't know," I shrug, trying to sound genuinely confused.

The bell rings and Brooke rolls her eyes, announcing that she can't be late for first period because her teacher says he's going to drop her grade if she doesn't start showing up on time. Peyton, however, stands there staring at me after Brooke has left with concern in her eyes. I look away but try not to be obvious about it. "You're acting weird," Peyton says strangely, squinting a bit to get a good look at me. "You were acting weird yesterday too."

I shrug. "I don't know what you're talking about. I'm fine."

She nods. "Okay…" she says, but I can tell that she's totally unconvinced "…but if you change you're mind…I'm here."

I force a smile. "Thanks."

I don't remember a single thing I learned in the periods before Lunch. I wasn't paying any attention because all I could focus on was how much of a bad person I am. How could I treat Taylor that way? How could I treat myself that way? And why is Nathan ignoring me?

I walk out into the quad and spot Lucas and Brooke already sitting down. Brooke is laughing at something he's said that I guarantee wasn't even funny and he seems to be enjoying the attention. I force a smile when they notice me and then join them at the table. "Hey," Lucas greets and Brooke gives me a wink. "Did everything turn out okay last night?" He asks.

I shrug. "Not really," I answer honestly.

Brooke looks confused. "What happened?"

I smile falsely. "Nothing. Taylor was just a little upset." Of course, _little _is the understatement of the year but I don't need to go advertising Taylor's tears, especially when she has always been so ashamed of showing any sign of weakness. I see Brooke open her mouth to speak but thankfully Peyton swoops in and saves the day unknowingly.

She glances directly at me. "Hey, so I thought that I should report…Nathan is a mess. I passed by him in the hall and he was spacing out; just standing against his locker noticing absolutely nothing around him. Two girls were bitching at each other like two feet away from him and it was like he couldn't even hear them." She smiles sympathetically. "I guess this whole Taylor break up has really thrown him for a loop." She sighs. "Maybe you should talk to him."

"I can't," I say, averting my eyes.

Brooke frowns. "Haley, come on, I know you aren't on the best of terms right now…but it sounds like he needs a friend." She looks over at Lucas and then covers his ears with her hands before whispering, "Put aside your crush on him and be a good friend." I roll my eyes.

"What the hell was that for?" Lucas asks, looking up at Brooke.

She gives an innocent shrug and smiles.

"I can't, Brooke…" I snap, raising my voice a full notch "…I just…I can't."

Both girls look struck as I raise my voice and I sigh loudly, glancing around the quad. My eyes land on Nathan, who is coming in my direction until he sees me. Suddenly, he stops and then pivots around, walking back to where he had come from.

I feel tears stinging at my eyes and I look down so both girls can't see me. "I'm going to head to the bathroom," I whisper and then take off towards the building, walking as fast as I possibly can. It seems sort of dramatic, to be crying about this, but I can't help it. It's like, not only do I feel guilty as hell about all that has been going on, but now he has to go and turn on me too.

No pun intended.

When I enter the bathroom, I go directly to the sink and begin to splash my face with water. I look up when I hear the door open and through the mirror, I can see both Peyton and Brooke with concerned eyes. "Alright, Haley…" Peyton begins "…this has gone on long enough, tell me why you're acting weird and we'll leave you alone."

I let out a frustrated sigh and pull out a few paper towels before turning around to face them, leaning against the sink. "I'm okay…" I say.

"Yeah, well…the tears in your eyes beg to differ," Brooke says, raising an eyebrow. "I've never been one of those people that gives their friends space. You tell me what the hell is going on and I'll tell you how we're going to fix it."

Peyton locks the door and I laugh despite myself, dabbing at my eyes with the paper towel. I know that I need to tell them. I need to tell someone. Sure, they're probably going to judge me but at this point, if I don't confess, I'm going to end up isolating myself completely.

"You guys are going to hate me," I say, stepping closer to them. "You're going to think I'm a horrible person."

Brooke scoffs. "I could never think you're a bad person, Haley. No matter how bad you f uck up." I seriously doubt she would be saying that if it were her boyfriend I kissed, but I appreciate it.

I slide down onto the floor, using the wall as my back support. "Promise you won't judge me?" I ask quietly, looking up briefly but then straightening my eyes so that I'm staring at the other side of the bathroom.

Peyton kneels down in front of me. "Promise." Brooke nods.

"I kissed Nathan."

There's a deafening silence for a moment so I take this as my opportunity to reveal the entire story. "The night before they broke up, we were sitting in the living room and he was going on about how something was missing in his relationship with Taylor." I pause. "I don't even know how it happened but…he kissed me, and I didn't pull away." I lay my head down on my knees and stare into space. "Then after Taylor told me they broke up, I went over to his house to make sure it wasn't because of the kiss…and it happened again."

"You kissed him twice?" Brooke asks and I can hear the shock in her voice.

I look up at her helplessly and nod.

"That's…" Peyton starts, looking around as she tries to process it.

"Horrible? Pathetic? Whorish?" I ask.

"…complicated," she finishes. "Hales, I'm not going to lie to you…this isn't good."

I sob into my knees and nod profusely. "I don't know what to do."

I feel one of them rubbing my head and I look up to see it's Brooke. "It's going to be okay…" she says reassuringly.

"How?" I ask. "Taylor is going to hate me if she ever finds out."

"She won't hate you," Peyton says. "She's going to be mad…that's for sure…but I don't think Taylor could ever hate you." I hope that Peyton is right but there something that tells me she isn't.

It's Friday night when Taylor announces that she's going to go out and party. All week, she's been sitting around the house pretending to be okay. I know her well enough to know that she's not but I don't call her on it because selfishly, I just want this whole situation to go away. The house, however, is cleaner than ever because Taylor's obsession with cleaning when she is upset didn't fail me this time.

Nathan hasn't said a word to me since the night I went over to his house and it's been three days. I haven't really made an effort either but I feel like it's him that should come to me, since he's the one that left it the way he did.

There's a slim chance of that happening though.

"Come with me, Hay." Taylor says, sitting on the foot of my bed. "I need to get out and have fun but I won't have fun without you." She gives me her puppy dog eyes and sticks out her bottom lip. "Please…" she whines in the childish voice that used to work oh, so well on me when I was younger. "Mom and Dad are coming home tomorrow and God knows Mom is going to insist upon us staying home and having a family dinner." She puts quotations around family and rolls her eyes.

"I just want to stay home," I say, falling back onto my pillow. "I'm really tired." This, of course, is not entirely untruthful. It's been a long, exhausting week and despite my various invitations out with Brooke and Peyton, Lucas and now Taylor, I want to stay home, watch television and wallow in guilt.

"But Haley…" she protests.

"Please Taylor," I plead, laughing lightly at her childish antics. "Just let me stay home." I want to add something along the lines of 'I've had a really bad week' but I know that she will just counter with, 'it couldn't have been worse than mine' and to avoid telling her the reason why it was terrible, which tops hers by the way, I will have to simply give in. "I'm sorry."

She nods finally after realizing the puppy dog eyes don't work on me anymore. "Fine," she huffs and I know she's not really angry because she's sort of glaring playfully. "Then I'm wearing your black heels _and _your cashmere sweater." She begins rummaging through my closet before I can protest, even though I figure I at least owe her this and wouldn't think about protesting anyway.

"You're taking it to the dry cleaners!" I shout after her and I hear a genuine giggle as she slams the door exiting my room.

When I hear her peel out of the driveway at a speed that would make my mother have a heart attack, I get up from my bed and walk down the stairs, flopping down on the couch in front of the television. I feel like such a loser staying home on a Friday night but I'm sort of punishing myself for my kiss with Nathan. Sure, this is nowhere near what I owe her now but I figure it's sort of a step.

Right?

I've already watched two re runs of _Full House_, two of _Friends _and am currently in the middle of some Spanish Soap Opera that is surprisingly entertaining when there is a knock at the door. Brooke said she was going to drop by and say hello so I don't hesitate to go to the door and open it, even though I'm in my pajamas.

When I open it, however, I suddenly wish I had at least looked in the mirror.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, trying to look disinterested as I pick at the bowl of popcorn in my hand. "Don't you have some party to be at or some girl to f uck?"

"Was that entirely necessary?" Nathan asks, sighing. From the look of his outfit and the smell of his cologne, that for the record was a gift from me last Christmas, it's clear that he's on his way to a party or has just come from one. His hands are in his pockets and he looks kind of nervous so I assume he probably came to see if Taylor was around so he could apologize or something.

"Taylor isn't here," I say, neglecting to answer his question. "Come again soon." I begin to close the door in his face but stop in the middle. "Actually…" I say, with the bitchiest smile I can muster "…don't."

A girl can only be ignored and avoided so much before she cracks. I hope all you guys out there are taking notes on this one. When girls feel rejected, they either close up or put on a façade that comes off as bitchy.

Or sometimes both.

He stops the door from closing with his arm and then steps in, turning me around so that my back is now to the door and he is directly in front of me. "First of all, I'm not here for Taylor and second of all…" he gives me a puzzled expression "…What's with the attitude?"

I laugh in his face. "The attitude?" I ask, my hands folded across my chest in mock amusement. "At least I'm not ignoring you, right?"

He rubs the back of his head and looks around the house. "Okay, so I've kind of been an a ss for the last week but that's why I'm here…to make things right. I shouldn't ignore you just because of the whole Taylor situation…"

I scoff. "Oh, so that's why you're ignoring me? Because of Taylor?"

He closes his eyes, suddenly aware that I won't put up with his bull. "Not…exactly."

I roll my eyes at him and then pivot around to head back to the living room. "Get out of my house, Nathan."

"Haley…I'm sorry," he pleads, following after me. "I just figured it would be easier this way…and then we could settle things in private. I saw Taylor at the party I was at and I thought you might be home alone, so…" He smiles faintly when he's cornered me into facing him, giving me those sad eyes "…here I am."

"Yeah, well…too late," I say, ducking under him and sitting down on the couch, flipping the television back on.

"Better late than never," he counters, stepping in front of the television so I have to look at him. "We need to talk about the other night…" he says.

I turn off the television abruptly and then walk towards the kitchen, knowing full well that he's just going to follow me. This way though, I figure, I don't have to look him in the eye. He doesn't say anything either as we walk to the kitchen and I move over to the sink, cleaning a few dishes that Taylor missed.

I guess I've picked up Taylor's upset cleaning habits.

"I just don't get it…" I admit finally, turning around to face him but leaning against the counter. "You just, what, find me repulsive or something?" My voice is low but it's far from calm.

He rolls his eyes. "I don't find you repulsive, Haley," he says in disbelief. "Why the hell would you think I find you repulsive?"

I just roll my eyes as well and neglect to answer his question. "So then, what? I mean…I'm sorry that I'm not Taylor but…"

He cuts me off. "I don't want you to be," he screams back at me, so loud that it makes me visibly flinch.

I try to regain my composure though and hold my own in this conversation. "Are you sure about that, Nathan? Because…"

He's still yelling but his voice is a little softer than it was initially. "Haley, I pulled away because you're Taylor's sister…and you're like _my_ sister. It would just be wrong and maybe you didn't realize it at the time, but I knew you would regret it later. I mean, you do, don't you?"

"Oh, so you did it for my sake, huh?" I scoff, my eyes in a fiery glare. "Well thank you oh dear protector you!" I clench my teeth. "What would I do without my knight in shining armor?" I roll my eyes. "Just admit it, Nathan…I'm not good enough for you. My hair isn't _blonde_ enough, my boobs aren't _big_ enough and I'm not as good of a lay. Just say it…it's what you're thinking."

"You're being totally irrational Haley; you just need to calm down!" He yells, taking a giant step closer.

"I'm not being irrational!" I yell at him, frustrated beyond belief. "There is no such thing as irrational feelings. We feel the way we feel, Nathan…we can't help it."

"I don't even know what we're talking about anymore!" He screams, his voice echoing throughout the room. "You're just screaming about nothing and I'm confused as hell."

"Well go be confused elsewhere," I snap in an angry whisper and then turn back around to finish up the dishes, my face a hot red from screaming.

He hasn't left yet, I don't hear any footsteps and I can hear his heavy breathing. Suddenly, his voice in a low whisper, he speaks. "I just came over to apologize, Haley…why are you so mad at me?"

I stop washing the dishes but don't bother to turn around. "Because you don't understand," I say. "And I'm starting to think you never will."

"Because you won't help me understand…" he says in a pleading voice.

"What the hell do you think I was just screaming about?" I say, turning around to face him quickly and staring at him with annoyance. "Were you seriously not listening?"

He takes a deep breath and sighs, looking away from me. "I better go."

I just watch him leave and make absolutely no move to stop him.


	7. If Only You Wanted Me The Way He Does

**Seven.**

_If Only You Wanted Me the Way He Does_

I don't know how anyone could possibly be so clueless, especially Nathan when it comes to me since he is supposed to know me better than I know myself. I mean I practically told him that I liked him and he still couldn't seem to grasp the concept. Why else would I have been crushed over his rejection of me the other night? Clearly that was what I was expressing, right? Maybe he sees it, but he wants to pretend like he doesn't because he thinks it will simply go away over time.

God I hope he's right.

My biggest concern right now should be Taylor and how I'm going to somehow justify my kiss –or _kisses_ - with Nathan but instead, here I am overanalyzing more than friendly feelings for Nathan and wondering why he can't like me like he did Taylor.

This should be the least of my worries.

"Okay, so tell me again what he said after you told him that you were sorry you weren't Taylor…" Peyton says, her eyes squinting into the distance as she thinks as hard as she can.

It's Lunch on Monday and I have successfully avoided Nathan, Taylor is still clueless and Peyton and Brooke are trying to milk every last detail out of me. I pray Lucas will come save me but I remember him mentioning something about working in the library all through Lunch on some paper. So here I am, sitting out in the quad with two very push ladies by my side.

I sigh. "Do we really need to go over this again? I really just want to forget the conversation ever took place…"

"Haley, Haley, Haley…" Brooke chirps from the other side of me, latching her arm around mine and looking me dead in the eye "…we are here to help you reanalyze your overanalyzing and if you didn't have us here to do just that, you would be completely helpless by now so I suggest you shut up and listen to goldilocks." When I glare in response, she sticks out her tongue and then smiles innocently. "Tell P. Sawyer what he said…" she urges, giving me a nudge in the side.

"He said that he doesn't want me to be Taylor and that had nothing to do with why he pulled away…or something like that, I don't know, I really don't want to talk about this." I sigh, burying my head in my hands as I lean forward.

"And what was his reasoning for pulling away?"

"He said that he knew I would regret it later." I scoff and fall back on to the back of the bench with a dramatic sigh. "Can you believe that? He thinks he knows me so goddamn well and it's really starting to piss me off…"

"You _do_ regret it, Haley…" Brooke points out.

"Yeah well we could have at least gone all the way and then my regret would be worthwhile," I joke, laughing to myself in that pathetic way that really just sounds depressing. "This is so ridiculous. How did I end up like this? Nathan thinks I'm a raving lunatic and Taylor is going to somehow find out about all of this and she's going to give me what I probably deserve anyway."

"You like him…" Brooke reasons sympathetically "…and it's hard to pull away from the guy you like when he puts the opportunity out on the table." Brooke is a lot smarter than people give her credit for. Maybe she doesn't have straight A's, or even straight B's but she understands the things that count. "_If I was you_, I would have kissed him back too…" she furrows her brow and looks away for a second "…and I would wear that really hot jean skirt I bought you last year to school everyday."

"Why didn't you buy it for yourself?" Peyton asks.

"I did," she whines. "But I had forgotten to get you a birthday present so I decided to sacrifice it in order to not be the worst friend in the entire world." She pouts. "I want it back now."

I roll my eyes. "Take it, you loser, I don't even wear it!"

She beams at me. "I knew I liked you for some reason."

"It's way too skanky for me anyway," I say, trying to stifle a laugh and sending a wink over to Peyton.

Brooke frowns. "You are so not my friend anymore."

We're in the middle of a conversation when I suddenly feel Taylor's presence behind me. We've always had this freaky twin thing going on. Even though we're more than a year apart, I've always been able to sense when she's near…or know when she's upset. "Hey little sis," she says quietly, obviously forcing a smile. "Can I sit with you guys?"

"Of course," I exclaim, grabbing her tray from her so she can climb around and sit in between Peyton and I. "What's up?"

She sighs. "Nothing really. Sorry to barge in on your conversation but I couldn't stay around those cheerleaders another second. I feel like I lost a couple million brain cells just sitting and eating with them." She laughs lightly. "Usually all I had to do was focus on Nathan but now…well, you know." She looks so lost and so exhausted and it's like her emotions wear off on me because suddenly I feel the same.

"It's no problem," Brooke chimes in, sensing my sudden mood change. "I was just telling Haley that I'm stealing her skirt."

Taylor laughs halfheartedly and I know it's fake but I'm not sure that Peyton and Brooke do. I'm sure that was what she was going for. "Only if you let me borrow it."

"Brooke doesn't do well with sharing," Peyton interjects.

"This is true," I confirm and Brooke scoffs in my face.

We're all laughing and having a good time when of course, Nathan has to come out of nowhere and ruin it. "Hey Taylor, can I talk to you for a second?" She looks over to me after staring at him for a good moment or two, secretly asking me if going with him is the right thing to do. I simply shrug, trying my best to stay out of it.

She turns back to Nathan. "Um, sure?" She says but it sounds more like a question than a reply. The two of them walk over into the school building until I can only see the back of Taylor's blonde hair through the small window on the door.

"You don't think they're getting back together, do you?" Brooke asks and I feel Peyton reach around me to smack her in the head. "Ow. What?" She demands and then when it dawns on her she turns to me apologetically. "Sorry. It's just…I don't know, why else would he want to talk to her?"

"It could be anything," Peyton reasons, sending me a sympathetic smile.

I sigh. "Or he's telling her about the kiss…_kisses_…whatever."

Peyton shakes her head. "I really doubt that, Hales. I mean, Nathan would never want to hurt you and I think that he knows if he tells her, you'll somehow end up hurt."

I shrug. "I guess."

We watch the door they entered through in silence until it swings open again and Taylor comes walking toward us, her expression unreadable. "What did he want?" Brooke asks for me, squeezing my hand quickly for support.

She bites her lip. "He wants to be friends."

"What did you tell him?" I ask curiously.

She gives me a sad smile. "The truth. That it would be too hard." I can see her eyes starting to well up with tears so I reach over to give her a hug. "He looked so hurt," she cries into my ear. "But then again, I wasn't the one who broke up with him…he doesn't get to be hurt." She lets out a long breath and pulls out of the hug, looking me in the eye. "Then he said something about you and I pushing him away and how it wasn't fair…" she cries "…that pretty soon he was going to have no one left." My eyes widen abruptly and I pretty much zone out on her last few comments. "But that's not fair! He broke up with me! You know I would have been there for him forever."

I close my eyes as her words weigh down on me.

"I'll be back," I say and the motion to Taylor for Peyton and Brooke, indicating that I need them to look after her for a second.

"Where are you going?" She asks and it's almost as if she's too tired to care because she sounds sort of disinterested.

"I'll be back," I repeat and then take off in the direction I assume that Nathan went.

I come across him and a couple of other seniors but I pay not attention to his lackeys. I simply push through them and grab his arm, pulling him out of their path and into a deserted classroom. He looks at me quizzically and then looks down at my hand which is still touching him. He looks up at me with a raised eyebrow. "What?"

I let go of his arm and take a step closer, looking him directly in the eye. "You still have me, Nathan…" I say quietly "…Taylor told me what you said about not having anyone left and I want you to know that you're wrong." When Taylor told me that Nathan said that, I felt horrible. I know that Nathan counts on me and Taylor for a lot of things and I guess I was just so caught up in everything that I am going through that I forgot about Nathan.

He scoffs. "I haven't had you for a long time," he says. "You stopped caring a while ago."

"That's not true!" I tell him, raising my voice. "You know that's not true."

He shakes his head. "Do I? You've been avoiding me since the end of May, screaming at me since school started and now you're back to just giving me the cold shoulder. What the hell am I supposed to think, Haley? You don't act like you care!"

"That's why I'm doing all of this, Nathan…" I cry, sinking down into one of the empty chairs as I begin to feel defeated "…because I do care about you."

"That makes absolutely no sense," he says.

I look up into his eyes and shake my head. "It makes perfect sense," I whisper, looking down to the ground. "I avoided you after you and Taylor started dating because I cared _too_ much…" I take a deep breath "…because I couldn't watch you two together."

"Why not?" He asks, pulling up another chair to sit directly across from me, our knees now touching.

"Please don't make me say it," I plead, turning my head to the side and ignoring his attempts to catch my gaze.

He frowns. "What? You were jealous that we were hanging out all the time and weren't saving enough time for you?" He touches my knee with the palm of his hand and rubs it soothingly. I will myself not to lean into his touch. "If you thought you were loosing us…you were wrong."

I roll my eyes instead. "I wish that was it."

I look up to see that he's thinking really hard, not even looking at me but out the window. "I don't get…" but then he stops and looks at me, his eyes suddenly widening with understanding. His pulls back "…oh," he says. "You mean…" He can't even say it, instead he looks down at the ground and starts fidgeting, something I've never known to be something that Nathan does "…I had no idea. I mean…I guess that makes sense…"

I stand up abruptly. "I shouldn't have said anything."

He follows suit. "No, Haley…" when I don't turn around he calls my name again, rushing after me towards the door "…stop it."

I turn around to face him. "Look I've had enough humiliation for the day…" I say weakly.

"I'm not trying to humiliate you," he frowns. "I just…look, Haley…I can't…do that." I can tell he's aware of the space between us. We've never really been this far apart from each other while talking. Even when we argue we are in each other's faces, challenging the other to back down.

Now, I feel like we're a great distance apart.

"I'm not asking you to do anything," I say helplessly. "I shouldn't have told you in the first place." With that, I turn back around and reach for the doorknob, making my exit quickly and then going in the opposite direction of where I had left Taylor with Brooke and Peyton.

They can manage her for now.

"Lucas, you know I hate parties…" I whine as we walk into through the doorway and push through the crowds of people "…couldn't you have gotten Brooke to come with you or something?" It's Friday night and all parties are in full swing. Lucas had convinced me earlier that I needed to get out, claiming that I had been a being a pod person for the past couple of weeks.

"How many times have I told you that she and Peyton are at home working on a project for history? I swear to God, Haley…you are so goddamn spacey. You've asked me that more than a couple times." He rolls his eyes at me and puts his hand on the small of my back, guiding me through the masses. Peyton had convinced Brooke that they needed to get a head start on their project, claiming that she wasn't going to let Brooke procrastinate until Sunday. Brooke put up a fight, Peyton resisted…

And I got conned into going to a party with Lucas.

Nathan's been acting awkward around me ever since our conversation which I don't find very surprising. We almost ran into each other a couple of times in the hallway and he sort of opened his mouth to say something but then shut it immediately and looked away. I, of course, just simply walked around him and tried to pretend like it didn't happen.

I've always been one to run from problems.

Taylor is getting better but she's still cleaning like a maniac so I know that she's still having a tough time. She's stopped partying as much as she used to though, which is good and I think this whole Nathan break up is sort of helping her pull her act together.

I guess some things just make you stronger.

"So whose house is this?" I ask as Lucas guides me over to the keg and begins to fill a plastic cup for me.

"Tim Smith," he says, cocking his head over to the left of him. "I'm pretty sure you've met him before…he's a friend of Nathan's."

I nod. "Yeah. At the beginning of eighth grade, he came up to me and told me that I grew a nice rack over the summer…right in front of Nathan and a bunch of his other friends. My face turned bright red; it was so embarrassing." I glance over at Tim and roll my eyes. "I think he means well but…sometimes he doesn't think before he speaks."

Lucas laughs. "Sounds like Tim. Hey…so speaking of Nathan, what's the status between you two?"

I immediately tense up and take a couple sips of my drink. "Why do you care?" I ask casually, trying my best to avoid the question.

He shrugs. "I was just wondering. I mean…you barely talk about him anymore and you used to talk about him all the time. But I catch you staring at him sometimes…" he raises his eyebrow and looks at me seriously "…I don't think you want to go there, Haley."

"I'm not going anywhere…" I protest, taking another sip of my drink "…Nathan and I are just, complicated."

"Haley, I'm not blind…I see the way you look at him," Lucas starts.

"Will you stop it, Luke?" I snap. "I don't want to talk about this because to be honest, it's none of your goddamn business."

He visibly flinches. "I'm sorry."

I nod. "I'm going to go refill my drink…I'll catch you later." I leave him behind, calling my name and yelling at me to stop but I don't, I simply continue through the kitchen, grab another drink and then begin to dodge through the different people.

It's then that I notice Nathan. He's wearing loose jeans with a collared shirt that Taylor and I both picked out for him six or seven months ago. Most of Nathan's wardrobe is chosen by either Taylor or I so it's not a surprise that I recognize his clothing. I notice his smile immediately, his dimples causing me to smile tightly. I feel sort of stupid watching him from a distance but that's all I really get of Nathan nowadays.

At least this way, it's peaceful.

I frown when I notice who he's with. He's with one of the girls that Taylor used to hang out with; a curly headed fake blonde with teeth that are too white. She reaches out her hand and runs it along his abs. He makes no move to protest, he just simply allows it to happen and I just stand there like a fool, my mouth ready to drop. It's like he senses someone's eyes on him because he turns toward me and our eyes lock for a second or two before he looks away and back at the girl.

He stops smiling.

"Haley…" It's Lucas. I don't need to turn around to know that "…are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong?"

I don't even turn around long enough to see his expression. The second we are face to face, I lunge forward and place my lips on his, more aggressive than I have ever been in my life. He doesn't respond at first, and I figure it's probably because he's shocked but once he has a moment to process it, he's kissing me back.

I pull away and intertwine my fingers in his, pulling him towards the stairs. He looks at me unsurely. "Haley, what are you doing?"

"If you play you're cards right, I'll be doing you in a couple of minutes…" I glance over at Nathan to see that he's watching me discreetly. I smile with satisfaction.

"This is wrong, Haley…" Lucas says, pulling back my hand and forcing me the opposite direction. "I mean, you haven't even had that much to drink. What are you thinking?"

"You kissed me back!" I say and then my palm rises to my forehead. "What is this? How come no one wants me?"

"It's definitely not that," Lucas reasons. "I just…I don't think you're thinking straight."

I pout and move forward, playing with his shirt in my hands and twirling it around my finger to get a reaction out of him. "Oh, I'm thinking straight…" I say seductively and I watch as Lucas gulps and looks behind me to where I assume, or hope, that Nathan is watching. "Let's go find a room," I suggest and pull him by the shirt towards the stairs.

He stays put. "Don't do this Haley…don't start something you're not going to finish."

I glance over at Nathan and then back at Lucas. "I'll finish it."

And to my surprise, he actually follows me up the stairs. I don't think about how this will affect my friendship with Lucas, or how much Brooke is going to hate me when she finds out. None of those things even cross my mind as I pull him up the stairs; my only intention is to make Nathan as jealous as I possibly can.

It doesn't cross my mind how much I'm going to regret this later.

I fall on the bed, pulling him on top of me and letting him suck on my neck as I moan in pleasure. I pretend its Nathan on top of me; I pretend that Nathan wants me as much as Lucas does and I pretend that nothing bad can come of this moment. I guess a part of me always knew that Lucas wanted me and I suppose it's terrible to take advantage of that but I try to pretend like I'm not; like I really do want this.

He moves from my neck back up to my lips and there is no doubt in my mind that Lucas is a good kisser. There just isn't that spark that I had with Nathan. It feels like I'm kissing Brooke again or something. At least five minutes later, his cold hand moves up my shirt and I open my eyes at the contact, getting a glimpse of his blonde hair and getting my dose of reality. But I don't pull away.

Instead, it's him that suddenly pulls away reluctantly.

"Haley…you don't want me," he whispers breathlessly, his head lingering above mine as he lies on top of me on the bed. "This is wrong."

"Yes I do," I protest weakly but I know that I'm lying and I'm pretty sure that he knows this too.

"No you don't," he sighs. "You want Nathan…you've always wanted Nathan."

I tense up at his name. "What did you say?"

He takes a long breath and then gets off of me, moving toward the door but still facing me with a sad smile. "You want Nathan…" he says "…you're pretending I'm Nathan, aren't you?"

"Lucas…" I protest but he puts his hand up to stop me from talking.

"I came to terms with that a long time ago, Haley. It's not me you want, it's Nathan. And it kills me, but there is nothing I can do to stop it…and this," he motions between the two of us tiredly "…it's not helping me cope."

I bow my head down and nod. "I'm sorry."

He smiles tightly and I know that it's not genuine. "I know," he says sadly before opening the door and disappearing.

It's then that it all hits me. Lucas will probably avoid me for weeks, maybe forever, and Brooke, when she finds out, is never going to speak to me ever again. She's been in love with Lucas forever. I sigh loudly and fall back on the bed for a second. Maybe if I tell her as soon as I see her and explain the whole situation, she'll understand.

But then again, maybe she won't.

I head back down the stairs fifteen minutes or so later and look around to find that Lucas is nowhere in sight which means I'm walking home. I nod, understanding this is probably the least of the karma I deserve. I head out the door and down the porch and find myself face to face with Nathan, his face stone cold.

"You slept with him…" he concludes and I lift my hand to run through the hair that I realize is probably disheveled "…with Lucas."

I look down. "I don't know why you would care," I say before moving to the left of him and beginning to walk down the street.

"I don't…" he says feebly "…I just thought that…" he stumbles over his words "…I mean, you said the other day that you…" he can't even say it.

"Sex is just sex," I announce, still walking. Of course, that isn't true. Part of me wants to believe I wouldn't have let Lucas take my virginity even if he hadn't pulled away but I really don't know for sure anymore.

His footsteps stop and I realize he hasn't continued to follow me.


	8. And Then Everybody Leaves

**Eight.**

_And Then Everybody Leaves._

When I woke up the morning after, I realized there were some serious things I needed to do. One being tell Taylor about Nathan, the other being tell Brooke about Lucas. And then of course, I need to make sure Lucas and I can still be friends. There's nothing I can do about the Nathan situation; I told him how I feel.

The ball is in his court.

As for confessions, I decided to go with the easier one, Brooke. Though telling Brooke is not going to be even remotely easy, it seemed like the lesser of two evils. It has nothing to do with liking Taylor better, though I suppose I sort of do in a way since she is my sister, but I figured there is a much better shot at Brooke forgiving me than Taylor. Brooke never dated Lucas, sure she loves him like crazy, but she never dated him.

She just crushed in secret.

And with Lucas, there are really no feelings. I can tell Brooke that and not be lying. It isn't something I meant to happen; it was just a selfish mistake that I made to make Nathan jealous. In telling Taylor, I'll have to lie. I'll have to tell her that it was a mistake and that I have no feelings for Nathan when in reality, there's nothing I could mean less.

I'm afraid Taylor will see right through that.

"Hey," Brooke says, giving me a quizzical look as she sits down across from me at the coffee shop. I'm such a coward; I figure that Brooke will have less of a reaction if we are surrounded by people so I invited her here to tell her. I deserve to be lashed out at; this I know, but forgive me for not wanting to hear one of my best friends scream her head off at me regardless of whether or not I deserve it. "What's up? You sounded weird on the phone so I came as soon as I could." She puts her hand on top of mine. "Is it Nathan?"

I shake my head. "Brooke you have to promise me you'll hear me out, okay? No matter how much you want to smack me across the face or get up and leave, you need to hear me out." I say desperately, looking her dead in the eye.

She frowns and pulls her hand away from mine, sitting up straight in the seat across from me and pulling her head back to study me. "You're scaring me, Haley," she whispers. "Tell me what happened."

"Promise me, Brooke," I say again firmly. "Promise me you'll hear me out."

She looks around the coffee shop awkwardly and then back at me. "Okay, I promise."

I smile halfheartedly. "You're gonna hate me," I start, looking down into my mug of coffee and shaking the mug around in my hand to distract me. "Before you hear anything, you need to know that it was a mistake, okay? It meant absolutely nothing to me…I was just trying to make Nathan jealous." I stop to see if she understands but she shows no sign of any realization. "I saw him with this girl…and I had just told him about my feelings for him so I felt like such an idiot. I guess I just wanted to make him see what he was missing, or sort of prove that I was okay without him, you know?" I bite my lip. "The first guy I saw was Lucas."

Her face falls as it hits her and mine falls as I watch.

"You mean, you kissed Lucas?" She says knowingly. She's staring me dead in the eye but I feel like she's farther away than ever because her eyes looked glazed over, like she's not really even looking at me. "To make Nathan jealous?"

I bite my lip as I watch her carefully. I open my mouth to speak but then close it again, looking around at the people chatting around us. I finally get the nerve to look back at her and to see the look of devastation that I had caused. "It sounds selfish…I know it does…mostly because it is but you have to believe that I feel terrible. I would never want to hurt you deliberately Brooke; I didn't know what I was doing."

She closes her eyes. "You must have…somewhere in the back of your mind, you knew this was going to hurt me." She opens her eyes again. "But it didn't matter, because all you wanted to do was make Nathan jealous."

"Brooke, please don't hate me," I plead. "Please don't hate me…I just, I don't know what to say to make this better," I say helplessly. "But whatever I can, I will."

She shakes her head and moves her gaze over to a couple of little girls giggling as they dance around their mother's table. "It was bad enough before, Haley…" she sighs "…I knew Lucas always liked you. But he knew he couldn't have you, that you wanted Nathan instead so he was trying to find a way to move on. And he did," she shrugs, "I mean, sort of anyway…but now, after he's kissed you…he's going to have hope. And he's not going to even look at me."

I interject immediately. "Brooke, that's not true…" I protest and it kills me to see her this way because Brooke is always so bubbly and happy "…you're beautiful, and kind and everyone loves you. Lucas will see that…I know he will."

"None of that matters," she says sadly. "Because I'm not you."

I search for the words to comfort her. "Brooke…you're a million times better than I'll ever be. Look at me, I kissed my sister's boyfriend twice, I went behind your back and kissed a guy that I knew you had feelings for. I'm a selfish bitch. I've never met anyone with a bigger heart than you, Brooke. I'm just sorry that I can't be as good of a friend as you are," I finish sadly, feeling a couple of tears drop. I wonder if it sounds sincere, or if it just sounds like I'm kissing up to make things better. But the truth of the matter is, I mean every word.

"Don't," she shakes her head. "Look, Lucas and I were never dating. You have nothing to apologize for." She looks down. "But I gotta go," she whispers. Her chair makes a screeching noise as she stands up and begins to walk away.

"Brooke!" I call after her but she doesn't stop, she continues to walk out of the coffee shop and down the sidewalk.

I rub at my eyes and sink back down into my chair, staring blankly at the coffee in front of me. If Brooke feels that way, what makes me think Taylor is going to be any better? Brooke and Lucas weren't even dating. Taylor and Nathan were when I kissed him. I close my eyes and lean my head back.

There is no way I can tell her.

"Hey."

I look up and then sigh. "Nathan…I really can't do this right now."

He shakes his head. "I don't care," he says, before grabbing hold of my arm and dragging me out of the coffee shop and toward his car. "Get in," he says.

I give him an exhausted shake of the head. "Nathan, I'm telling you…this is possibly the worst day you could have picked. Can you just say whatever the hell it is you want to say to me here and then let me get on my way. If you're going to call me a whore, go ahead…at least I can count on you to say it to my face."

He rolls his eyes. "I'm not going to call you a whore…get in the car."

I study him, wondering if this could possibly make things any worse than they already are. I mean, things are pretty screwed up as it is, the least I can do is hear Nathan out I suppose. After it's over, Brooke will still hate me, I'll still be lying and betraying Taylor, Lucas will still avoid me like the plague and Nathan…he'll still know that I have a crush on him.

Why not just obey the man's orders?

As we drive, Nathan doesn't say anything. I suppose that wherever we are going is significant and he's not going to say a word until we get there. I sneak a glance at him every once in a while but I'm only caught the second time to which I receive a nervous smile.

"We're here," he announces finally, getting out of the car and motioning for me to do the same. I glance around my surroundings warily and then give Nathan a confused brow furrow. He stops in front of a set of swings and then looks over at him. "Do you remember?"

I shrug regretfully, wishing so badly that I could remember what it is he is talking about and understand why he's taking me here. "Is it bad that I don't?"

He shakes his head and it's then that I notice how far he's distanced himself from me, and how he refuses to look me in the eye. "You were seven," he says, "You wore glasses about nine months out of that year, not because you needed them but because you thought they made you look cool and no amount of persuasion from Taylor and I would convince you otherwise." He laughs lightly but still won't look at me. "Anyway, Taylor, since she was in her bitch faze, kicked you off the swing and made you cry…and I remember how hurt you looked…how you refused to stand up to her. You tried so hard to fight back your tears and be strong but you looked so sad. There was something about the look in your eyes that made me want to protect you forever…" he laughs and rolls his eyes playfully with a smile "…I know that must sound so corny…but I remember that day so well and I remember that look in your eyes." He looks back over at me and gives me a knowing look "…it's kind of like the look you've had for the last few weeks."

I shake my head and move toward the swing, sitting down and tilting my head to rest against the chain holding it up. "So why did you bring me here?"

He takes a good long look at me before moving over to take the swing beside me and then staring out in front of us to where we had come from. "Because there is something you need to know."

"If it's going to make things any more complicated, I suggest you keep it to yourself," I sigh, not even the least bit joking. There's only so much a girl can take. Sure, I got myself into most of this and I shouldn't be throwing myself a pity party but I understand that I messed up, I acknowledge it. If I could take it back, I'm almost positive I would.

"You need to know this, Haley," he says firmly. "And I'm going to tell you whether or not you want to hear it."

"Fine," I give in. "What is it?"

He's silent and I start to think that maybe he's changed his mind and doesn't want to tell me but then he looks over and takes my hand in his. "Kissing you was not a mistake, Haley. I've wanted to do that for a while now…" he laughs halfheartedly "…I know I told you that you're like a little sister to me and I didn't really say anything back after you made your confession the other day, but…I really did want to kiss you."

My heart starts racing. "Why?" I whisper.

"Because you're you…" he says, shaking his head and releasing my hand to look up and away from me. "You're beautiful, and smart…down to earth." He sounds like he's about to continue but I stop him.

"You said the same thing about Taylor," I tell him.

He squints into the distance and then looks at me in surprise. When it wears off, he nods in understanding and then sighs. "I guess that's kind of the point."

I give him a quizzical glance.

"When Taylor and I started dating, I was mesmerized with her…you remember. But then, somewhere along the way…it just kind of wore off and we were at each other's throats twenty four seven." He swings his head back and forth. "And then we broke up and now, she can't even be friends with me." He finally looks back over at me. "That can't happen with us."

"Nathan…" I start.

He shakes his head. "That story I was telling you, about us when we were little…that day, I thought for sure that I would spend the entirety of our friendship protecting you…but somewhere along the way, the tables turned and now it's you that protects me." He exhales a long and deep breath. "I can't lose you, Haley. These last three months without you have been hard as hell and I can't even imagine what it would be like if it was any longer than that. That kiss…was amazing." He laughs as a blush creeps up on my cheeks. "But I can't risk this friendship…for anything. And I can't take the chance that we'll break up and you'll end up hating me." He still won't look at me. "And then there's Taylor."

I stand up abruptly and begin to pace. "Don't pull this, Nathan…" I plead "…you don't mean any of this and you and I both know it. You just don't want to break my heart, and I appreciate it, I really do…but please don't lie to me." I begin to walk away but he stands up so fast I am barely able to make a step before he reaches out for my arm and pulls me back.

"I'm not lying to you, Haley!" He shouts, frustration in his eyes. I feel his grip on my arm grow tighter. "Why is it so goddamn hard to believe that someone could actually have feelings for you, huh?"

I pull out of his grasp forcefully. "Not _someone_," I shout back at him. "_You!_"

He recoils as his face falls. "What the hell is so different about me?" He asks in a loud whisper, his eyes not leaving mine for even a second. "Why is it so hard to believe that I could actually have feelings for you?"

"Because I know you," I say, sitting back down on the swing and allowing him to do the same as me. "You're Nathan Scott." I look over at him with a small smile. "You like blondes," I laugh lightly.

"I'm serious, Haley…" he says "…answer the question."

"It doesn't matter anyway," I whisper, leaning my head on the swing chain farthest away from him. "You said it yourself…it could never happen. Can we just leave it at that?"

"Absolutely not," he says seriously, getting off of his swing and crouching in front of mine so that I have to look down at him. "I need you to believe me. I need you to believe that kiss wasn't a mistake…for either of us."

I shake my head to will tears from falling and then get up to move past him. "This is too hard," I choke out. "Please don't make me do this, Nathan. Please just let it go."

"So what? You can ignore me at school on Monday?" He shakes his head. "I can't lose you, Haley."

"Then stop pushing me!" I snap, walking in front of him to his car and climbing in the passenger's seat. "Take me home," I tell him.

He just stands there for a moment or two, staring at me through the window from a few yards away. Finally he sighs noticeably and then walks slowly back over to the driver's seat and starts the car. He takes one last look at me before pulling out of the parking lot and driving down the street to my house.

"Is this how it ends?" He asks suddenly, his mouth barely moving as he speaks. He still won't look at me and I try my best to do the same. "Seven or so years and this is how it ends?"

I look how the window and refuse to answer him for a while. "I just need a break."

He scoffs. "Whatever."

When we pull up to my house, Lucas is sitting on the steps of the porch waiting for me. He looks kind of spaced out and as I watch him I forget for a moment that Nathan is there beside me and he still thinks that we had sex last night.

"Hey look, there's your boyfriend…" he says maliciously "…come back for another round? I bet he just loved to be the one to deflower little Ms. Perfect Haley James."

"Nathan," I say weakly, shaking my head. "I didn't…"

"Whatever, Haley…" he sighs, rolling his eyes. "Just go."

"You don't understand," I try but he ignores me.

"Get out," he says. When I just stare at him openmouthed, he raises his brow in annoyance. "I said get the hell out, Haley."

Nathan has never talked to me this way. Not once in my entire life. It makes my eyes well up with tears and I look away quickly to keep them from being seen. I open the door and get out, looking the opposite way of Lucas so that I can quickly dry my eyes. He hasn't seen me yet anyway because he's too preoccupied with the grass. "Hey," I say quietly, holding my purse with both hands at my waist in front of me.

He looks up but his eyes dart over to the left of me as we both hear the screeching sound of Nathan's car as he speeds down the road. "Hey," he says, standing up but not coming even the least bit forward. "I kind of wanted to talk to you."

I smile weakly. "I wasn't sure you would want to talk to me at all."

He averts his eyes. "Yeah, me too."

I open my mouth to speak but nothing comes out. He just stares at me for a second and I wonder what it going through his mind. I wonder if he hates me, or if he'll ever be able to forgive me for doing this to him.

I wonder the same of Brooke.

"Lucas…" I start to say, motioning for him to follow me inside with my hands but he stops me with the tone of his voice.

"No, I think it's better if we stay out here," he says and I turn around to face him with a fallen expression. He looks away again and I realize that he can't even look me in the eye anymore which makes me feel entirely worse than I did before, I'm not exactly sure why. "I just needed to tell you something…and then I'll be gone."

"You can stay," I suggest in a helpless whisper. "Please stay."

He shakes his head and finally gets up the nerve to look at me. "We can't be friends anymore, Haley." He closes his eyes and looks down. "I just…we can't."

I feel my face fall and I don't even bother to try and cover it up. "Because of last night?"

He shrugs. "Sort of. Not really."

"We can't even be friends?" I ask, my eyes darting back and forth as I study him. I guess I knew that things would be weird between Lucas and I after last night but I never in my wildest dreams imagined that he wouldn't even want to be friends with me anymore. Maybe I don't like Lucas the way he says he likes me but that doesn't mean we have to cut all ties.

He breathes out and shoves his hands in his pockets. "It's like you and Nathan," he says quietly. "You pushed him away because you liked him and he didn't like you. It was too hard, right?" I fidget around uncomfortably. Lucas and I never really talked about the Nathan situation but I guess he's smarter than I give him credit for. "Haley I thought I could be friends with you…but I don't know anymore."

"Please don't do this to me," I beg, inching closer. "Please Lucas."

He shakes his head. "I'm sorry."

I feel the tears from before coming back and I try my best to hold them back but it seems impossible at this point. I can't lose Lucas as a friend. Not when I've lost Brooke, Nathan and most likely Taylor sooner or later. And not when he's the sweetest guy in my life right now, not when I depend on him.

"I should go," he says finally. He starts to move forward and I think he's going to give me a hug but he at the last minute he sort of flinches and steps backwards, deciding this idea isn't the best one. "I'll see you."

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, reaching into my purse and pulling out my cell phone. She doesn't pick up like I knew she wouldn't since my caller ID probably showed up and she doesn't want to talk to me. "Brooke, its Haley. Look, I know you hate me. I hate me. But you've got to believe me…it was all a big mistake." At this point, I start to cry. "I don't know what to do Brookie. It's killing me that I hurt you…that I hurt everyone. Just, don't shut me out okay? I know you don't owe me anything but just…please." On that note, I hang up and the walk up to the house and up the stairs.

I collapse on my bed and create a puddle of tears on my pillow before I fall asleep.


End file.
